I appreciate getting credited for making important, necessary changes . . . but any pats on the back may be premature. The reality is: Change is hard.

Today was supposed to be the start of me taking better care of me. So how did it end up being so miserable. Maybe I've got to go through some sort of excruciating withdrawal to break the hold my habits have on me. I hope it doesn't last too long. I think I understand why people, including me, tend to stick to what they are used to doing. Change is hard.

It's actually tomorrow already. Hours ago I woke up with acid reflux. I thought I was on the verge of coughing up blood. My day of self-care wound up being me doing next to nothing, except ordering myself a pizza. Which I ate half of, with a little wine. Was delicious. I'm supposed to be on medication for reflux, which fell by the wayside in recent days, along with me doing anything that made sense, in terms of my own welfare. So I woke up choking on acid.

Maybe it's going to take some time to shift gears and refocus my attention.

Another thing is that I've got to let go of the hope that he is going to be supportive of me making any kind of change, if I just explain it to him well enough. I've got to not care that he is going to take any change as me abandoning him.

I better take an antacid and try to sleep. It just occurred to me that Indocin aggravates gastric probkems. That's the med I'm taking for my heel tendonitis. Getting myself better is going to be more complicated than I anticipated.

I'm tired. Tomorrow's another day. My life has become a mess on a number of fronts (but it could be worse.) This is not a matter of: just make some good resolutions, and there you go.

Tomorrow had got to be more constructive. I feel like I'm still under awful stress, and I think I've gotten in the habit of allowing myself to have stressful expectations. My day of rest sure hasn't felt restful.

I feel like I haven't changed anything.