I’ve been feeling off for a few days. Not exactly depressed but just not exactly happy either. I feel terrible about my weight and yet I keep stuffing my face with tasty yet high calorie treats. It’s like I can’t get enough sugar. I had a huge caramel latte from Dunkin’ Donuts today. And two munchkins and a bagel with butter and sour patch kids. I’ve eaten practically a days worth of calories already. And I’m going out to dinner tonight at a bar and grill so I will have a drink and then some wine at home. Calories calories calories. I don’t usually drink so that’s a nonissue but I think I need to do a sugar detox. I always say I’ll start Monday and then I **** Monday up and I’m like well I already ****ed up so whatever right?

Ugh. I have to do something. I’m my heaviest weight I’ve ever been. My clothes are getting tight. I refuse to buy bigger clothes. I’ve been the same size for three years after my initial invega weight gain. I wish I could blame it on a med this time but I can’t.

I wish I had better self control.

I did order one of those meal kit things so that I could begin to cook more at home. A cheaper one. I’ve only made one meal so far but it was good. I tried to make another meal but I burned the **** out of it. Not used to pan frying things.

RS is constantly telling me how beautiful I am but I don’t feel it at all. I bought pretty new clothes and I feel like they are too pretty for me. Like I’m not pretty enough to wear them.

I think I’m going to get a new tattoo soon and that might make me feel a little better.