my heart goes out to you... there are days... like what you are describing... and they are so hard......

having a T is so important..... can you... try to adhere to the safety standards? When I first started working with a T 20 some years ago.. I had trouble with that too...have you tried working with your T... to establish one alter.. that promises.. to call... in the event of a problem... sort of like a "monitor"... that works for some DIDer's..