too confused

but there's more.. and i don't know how much he knows this part.. we haven't even had a chance to do much past stuff...

but i have an extreme fear of asking for anything emotional, and it's 100x worse if it feels like the other person doesn't want to give it, or in this case i'd have to "beg" (to quote a previous thread of mckell's)

so i had trouble following... trouble understanding... i started phasing out too

and of course, he's right about something with me.. i really DO filter things, i really DO sometimes think in all or nothing... so i was automatically doing all of that, but i don't know just when i am doing it vs getting it right

so i asked him if he was saying that he would never return my calls or would never give me another voicemail... and he cut the last word off and said ".. see? your mind automatically goes to what you can't do and focuses on what I can do"

he didn't clarify any more than that... and that was about as brave as i could get...

i was dissociating all over the place after that

he started explaining some cbt stuff he wanted to do wiht me... i don't have a %#@&#! clue what he was saying... he wrote stuff down and gave me some kind of print out sheet or something... i told him i wasn't able to stay with him... that i wasn't listening... he launched into reasons why that was happening... thoughts feeling blah blah something something something... see you thursday

in between someplace i told him not too much new too fast and he nodded that he understood

i told him i felt tossed out into space and he said "i know you feel that way but it isn't true.

he said i was thinking in terms of all or nothing

i am so painfully confused. i skipped my meetings and studio work today. i haven't been able to function.. i need to create a portfolio submission for tomorrow for a paid exhibition and all i have been able to do is write letters to him and cry. i fear this will be another ativan OD day. The best i was able to do was wlak my dogs and buy coffee

but here's the thing... please help me decide as best you can about this...

he has been rock solid, even when there were rifts, even when it was him and not me, it's been stupid things like timing, or misinterpretations on my part. There have been times when he has triggered me inadvertantly. He has been atentive, and shown caring, even when i was unable to recognize or accept it as such. He has gotten frustrated at times, particularly with the slow development of trust, but he has openly said that is probably his problem. He has been upfront, honest and genuine. During the weeks around H's visit he was unbelievably supportive and gentle. That was what won over my trust and willingness to believe he cared. It touched me deeply. NO one hase ever shown me caring like that.... he said he was proud of me... i was 23 the first time anyone said they were proud of me!

He's not superhuman though, and we have friction sometimes... on both sides. The foundation has thus far stayed intact overall.

two weeks ago he returned a call and said i needed to call him less now... and i completely understood, i was reaching for him too much... and we had one of what he said was the most productive talks ever... it was after that talk that i was terribly triggered, which we expected. i thought about leaving because i was so triggered. i went to session and cried for the first time. It was a hard session which started out with frustration on both sides but ended with us both on the same page...

he was ok with voicemails and so i left him a couple over the following week.. i think.. not many by any means.

then thursday i ask for a voicemail based on questions i would pose (because those have been the best responses). He balked a little... he said i should try to answer them first myself... i didn't understand and was upset.. i talked to him on the phone for like 2 minutes to clarify that one. He was willing to give a voicemail but asked me to write out the questions and my own answers first. i did.. and then i left a message asking him the questions, with our normal routine being he would then leave me a voicemail back. But i was home at the time he called and got the call by accident... it was in that short talk that he said he didn't want to give the voicemail based on what i was asking... that he really felt i needed to find those answers in myself and not give them special power because they were said by him.

i was really, really anxious due to medication issues... and i dwelled on it more than it required because of that. Saturday night i took too much ativan and alternated between semi-consciousness, passing out and blacking out. i have no idea how much i took.

SO.... after all that... after a year together in which he has never shoved me hard ever... he has always been gentle and cautious, for obvious reasons...

would he turn around and just leave me alone like that? am i reading it all wrong?

while walking the dogs i was thinking about this... maybe the lack of clarification was really what he was pushing about... maybe he was trying to get me to decide for myself just how much i could trust him to respond in legitimately hard times... ?? i wish he had said it that way if that was what he wants... he is rarely unclear so it makes me think that no, that isn't it...

i am so confused...

part of me says that he has been there in such a strong way, and has been well aware of how deficient i am in certain skills and confidence.... that he wouldn't just *never* call me back. He would know just how cold turkey and hard that would be for me...

but... part of me says that what he said is what it is... that if he meant otherwise he'd say so. He took the trouble to say that the foundation has not changed... so he knows how hard this is for me...

parts of me cling to the idea that he wouldn't just hurt me, and being that black and white would be so hurtful

parts of me know that no one really wants me... no one can *know* me and stay... i know what it is to be on the periphery and have to pretend you don't need anything other than the crumbs of affection and caring you might get... nope, i don't need anything or anyone

what do you all think of this?