I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Icedgem! I'm afraid I must agree with all the other great, wise, wonderful posters here! You've been given lots of great, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! Please try to follow it AS MUCH AS YOU CAN IF YOU CAN! Please try to reach out to a professional as soon as you can or call an hotline? Even if you don't want to act on these suicidal thoughts you're having, they're STILL suicidal thoughts and you MAY act on them if you're not getting the treatment you need and deserve! I'd also suggest to talk to your partner about this if you can! I understand why you may have doubts about all of this, but it's important that you talk to him about this and see how it goes from there! PLEASE TRY TO GET SOME HELP! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON and you WILL get out of this! Just try to do your best! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! There's no need to be ashamed in admitting that you're struggling and in asking for help! Please think about that! Try not to worry too much You MATTER and you're WORTH IT! Please do it for yourself and your partner! You ARE important and you DESERVE to GET BETTER! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Icedgem!