Hello.

It feels weird actually having to ask this, having to talk about it. But it is necessary. I have a big family, three brothers and two sisters.

I get along ok with all of them except for my second oldest brother. I see him as a racist and sexist asshole. He always bullied me when I was a kid and terrorized our whole household; he got kicked out.

Anyway, apart from the insulting, hitting, etc. He has always been weirdly sexual with me. I actually think it has scared me. There are two instances that I remember very clearly that I feel so dirty about.

1) I was about 9 years old, it was a family party. I had a weird sting in my chest/ribcage area. My brother knew about it since I told my mom casually. I went to the bathroom, lifted my shirt up, exposing my chest area (didn't have boobs yet) as I am checking lightly touching my skin I look at the door and see, my brother is looking at me, with a disgusting and creepy facial expression. He intended to get caught, and make me feel gross.

2) Me and my youngest brother are playing on the couch, just talking when my brother comes annoying us and ruining it. After a while he suddenly says "look _, (my name) is starting to get boobs haha" trying to embarrass me and my brother.

Apart from those situations he has also made other nasty comments about me, even recently. And has just made me shy and uncomfortable with my sexuality and womanhood. He made me feel oversexualized at a young age. Now, I remembered that as a kid, when I used to get dressed, I often got this feeling of shame. I felt like somebody was looking at me, I needed to get changed quick and it would go away. I got this similair feeling a few days ago. It feels horrible.

Now my question is... Is there a chance that he has actually abused me as a kid. When I was too young to remember it clearly, but old enough for it to leave a trauma?

If that's the case, I have an eating disorder and I wonder if this could have something to do with it.