I can totally relate to the feeling of wanting to push T away, I can also relate to the feeling of "saving others from me" - I am much the same way with people - not only T, but friends and co workers as well. Not only that, but I find people in general to be scary, especially if I am sharing something about myself. In my job I work closely with people in a helping profession, and that to me is not scary, because the focus is not on me. But for people in my personal life (friends, family, etc) I tend to hold myself at a distance.

I recently decided to take a break from a relatively long term T (had been seeing her for about 1 year, every other week-ish). Going to sessions made me incredibly anxious, and very often I felt like I completely shut down and was unable to speak even though I wanted to.... it was all very puzzling to me. In any case, T went away for about 2.5 months and initially I missed her a lot and was looking forward to her return, however the closer it got to when she came back, the more I wanted to not go. I forced myself to go to the session I had scheduled (after her vacation) and we talked a bit about it, but I had pretty much made up my mind that I needed a break at that point. It was really surprising to me how much my feelings had changed. I've done a lot of thinking about it and I'm sure it has something to do with her leaving, triggering some abandonment fears, etc ("I don't need anyone, I can do this on my own", "I'm going to leave before you leave" etc.). Not sure if any of that resonates with you, but I can certainly relate to how hard it is to go against those feelings. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!