I have that feeling of being tired and washed out but restless at the same time,others who know mental illness know this feeling state,there is nothing you can do to get rest and peace,your mind is in overdrive but your body is tired.
I started off tired today but didn't want to be home alone with my thoughts and feelings so forced myself to go see a film,Little,it was called , a comedy.I slept through it couldn't keep my eyes open.After that I went and ate at the pub,hung out at the cafe,perked up but was still anxious about being so tired,having chores to do tomorrow and preparations for easter week.Also I was anxious cos I have to have a hysteroscopy on thursday this coming week.But I did perk up and wanted to distract myself from my fearful state so I went and saw another film,Hellboy.Well it got my attention,I stayed awake all through it.It was a daft film,gory but kind of comedic and it made me laugh and lifted my spirits,it changed my frame of mind and I felt less burdened.I got home and had a long test chat with my niece,I needed support but she isn't good at that I ended up unburdening myself but not feeling really supported back,but she does care and love me,I can't expect adult support from her though cos she is only able to support herself at this time,she is getting to grips with becoming 21 years old and working on her last two months at uni before graduation.It is not her place to deal with her auntie's mid life crisis.She put up with my complaints and me feeling low and sorry for myself which is a lot when she has her own worries,that helped a bit though,and she said she was sorry she couldn't do more to help.Thing is I am always on my own and I will always will be unless I change that.I am the one has to make an effort to get to know people and develop more lasting close bonds with them and if I am not willing to put that effort in,compromise,share,emotionally engage,attach,love,lose,hurt invest,risk then I will always be alone and feel that I have an empty life.That has been the case so far and so it will continue until I say yes to someone and stop rejecting potential mates cos I am scared of involvement.Emotionally I can commit or let people in.If anyone knows why please help me.