Of course it feels terrible. But its not about him, its about you. You are caught in a relationship repetition compulsion. Were your parents alcoholics or otherwise unavailable? You may be trying to fix the damage caused in your childhood by their abandonment or neglect of your emotional needs. Been there, done that, got a drawerful of tshirts!

You might try Al-anon, acoa, or CEN on this forum, when you are ready to look into why you are doing what you are doing.