I want to straighten out my tangled environment and my mixed up, neglected affairs. I qualify for a valuable benefit in my community that subsidizes my healthcare expenses. I haven't completed the paperwork I was supposed to do to keep this benefit, and I've got a collection agency calling me about medical bills that could have been completely taken care of. That's me neglecting an important responsibility pertaining to my own affairs, while I keep myself immersed in maintaining a high standard of healthcare for my friend. I tell myself I should be doing both. But I'm perpetually behind in what needs to be done, like I just can't keep up with all of it . . . but I blame myself for just not using my time wisely and goofing off exactly as my bf accuses me of.

It's hard for me to have a daily schedule. I've had pretty severe sleep issues all my life. I never know what time, or even if, I'm going to go to sleep at night. That makes planning hard. Amitriptyline helps a lot. But not as much as it used to. Aging has brought a new wrinkle, where, even if I'm lucky enough to fall asleep at an appropriate hour, I wake up in the middle of the night a lot. Ritalin in the morning is supposed to help prevent my days and nights from getting mixed up. One of the best habits one can have is a recurring daily routine that one sticks to. Within that structure you can plan the use of time and energy. I can't plan when I'm going to sleep. But with some self-discipline I should be able to improve.

I'm plenty aware that I don't have to make myself so responsible for this man's wellbeing. I've failed in life, on a number of fronts. I suppose he represents success to me. Looking after him is the one thing I've done pretty successfully. A sister of mine told me long, long ago that I should have a kid, if I was wanting someone to look after.) That way, she said, I could instill my own values in the person I looked after.

Wrote thus last night, but posted this morning.