I'm sorry you are feeling so... um-m-m... "defeated"? Is that an appropriate descriptor for how you're feeling?  Anyway... I hope that, in some way, you can find a pathway back to hope. Perhaps having come here to PC can be one small step in that direction. 
Here are links to 3 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of hopelessness & how to overcome it:
9 Types of Hopelessness and How to Overcome Them
A Real Dose of Hope When You're Feeling Hopeless
Feeling Hopeless? 7 Ways You Can Become Your Own Hero
My best wishes to you... 
__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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