I'm sorry you are feeling so... um-m-m... "defeated"? Is that an appropriate descriptor for how you're feeling? Anyway... I hope that, in some way, you can find a pathway back to hope. Perhaps having come here to PC can be one small step in that direction.

Here are links to 3 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of hopelessness & how to overcome it:

My best wishes to you...