WHOA! What. A. Day!!! im exhausted.

work went ok this morning, then i saw T for our session and it went well. i kind of repeat to her what im posting here on PC. i added i was nervous for the meeting and we talked a bit about it. then we went at my workplace to have the meeting with my supervisors, the human resources and my pdoc.

i didnt have much to say and i didnt WANT to say much either. but when asked questions i had to answer. we talked (again) about whether or not a full time schedule is appropriate for me (yes it is!). they think its too much for me and that i should say when im tired and take a day off or two, but i said im doing fine and it only took me some "training" and that im doing better now, handling the stress better.

we talked about the desks change that flipped me out and i explained i feel safer with those persons next to me. they did want to know if i had feelings for P but i denied it. its already hard to admit it to myself and to my T, im not going into it with them all!

then i said i sometimes feel pressured because i i ask for help too many times and especially because i was told im slow and my phone calls last too long. (and i did not mention i was scolded for taking pauses between calls and for misreporting stuff). they said its not a problem but i had to reply the supervisor that was not there at the meeting in that moment had made me feel like it was. i didnt want to create problems but i didnt want to lie either so in the end they called him in and he obviously said it was a "constructive criticism" and a "suggestion" on how to handle difficult calls, but its not how i remember it. but i didnt have the courage to say it so i just replied that next time if he or anyone else says something that hurts me in any way we'll talk about it so that i'll give them feedback too. thats all they asked me to do after all, actually. to talk if i have problems. but its so hard.

my T was very supportive and since she couldnt say much because of confidentiality, this pushed me to answer for myself instead of letting her doing it for me. i was very upset when they called in the other supervisor but i think we managed it well enough. i dont think he or anyone else was hurt by anything i said.

actually instead, while we were together alone, "A", from the human resources, asked me if i was mad at her for never contacting me and i said i was a little bit. she said its good because it means i care. of course i care. i told her and showed her many times that i care, but after a while i get tired of always being the only one starting the contacts so i stopped and she never started it again. she apologized. i know she meant it, but that doesnt change anything. i wont contact her again unless she does!

then i gave them a ride in town and went at my flat where there was my mom waiting and dad was coming too. i told my mom about the meeting and it was ok, but actually i really only would have wanted to take a shower and rest. when my dad got there i took the shower while he was fixing the mirror for me. then he started being bossy and it made me wish they hadnt come, but it went even worse when mom self invited themselves for a pizza. and it went even worse when mom started a "serious" conversation explaining me my dad only wants me to get more independent, while i usually take those comments as he not wanting me at their home. it may be true, that he wants me to be more indepedent, but he cant expect it to happen instantly just because i bought a flat for myself and i will NEVER become like him or like my brother. i am me. and if i have problems with something i have people i can ask for help. i do not have only he or my mom to help me out even though they do help me out a LOT. why cant i be me? and learn things at my pace? i think my dad doesnt want me to feel lost and helpless when he and my mom wont be able to help me anymore or when they'll be gone. ok, but why making me feel so incompetent, unwanted and pushed away? it really hurts!

then finally they left and i came here on PC. i also texted my T to thank her and she thought i was upset with her, while i was very grateful and i told her so. i must write her a letter for next session. give her more feedback and thank her better for all she does for me. exT, as good as He was, i dont think He would have done as much as T has done and is doing. He helps a lot in session but i never could contact him outside of it, while i've done it and feel i can do it with T.

anyway, i see exT right tomorrow morning. i need to "get ready".