About 5 weeks ago, I had finally had enough of whatever was going on between me and T (which had been going on for weeks). I sent this email:
Quote:
Dr. S,
I can only imagine you are going huh? I am in that place where logically I know what emotionally I am feeling didn't happen, still I feel confused and hurting. I feel like I can't do anything right and I'm not sure how much of this I can take. I need to take a break from therapizing. What that looks like I don't know. I don't even know my options are to say I pick this. All I know is I need a break being analyzed and looking at what I do, how I am, how I behave.
Emotionally this is how things have spiraled for me today. The session was moving along, I was managing. Then you commented about the tissue analogy and I got tense. Then l you brought up my sharing of the ringing in my ears. I felt like I had to explain/justify why I had started doing that. I had thought it was a good thing that I had noticed what was happening to my physically and how that was signalling to me that I was starting to lose focus and what not. I though being able to say it was happening when it was happening was something good, progress. Next you talked about my silences and what I was trying to communicate with them. You had said silences were ok, that I can take my time. Maybe I'm not strong enough for this type of therapy.
Logically, I followed you mostly through today's session and I know you were pointing out how my behavior are indirect communications of needs. I know you were not saying that I'm being bad by communicating this way. It sure feels it. It feels like everything I do is wrong or bad. I don't even know about sending this email or if it should just wait until tomorrow.
I plan on being there tomorrow, keeping coming right? What can we do that isn't directly about me?
What do I want from sending this email? To know you got it and read it. Maybe to know what my options are at this time in terms of how we can spend our time together without it being so directly about me.
me
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Since then we have been doing jigsaw puzzles. I see my T 3x a week, so that's 15 sessions of jigsaw puzzles. Actually, there was one session about 2 weeks ago that we talked through the session then back to jigsaw puzzles. Many sessions I would talk a little about my inner world towards the end of the session. This week, zip - nothing really. I have completely shut down communications from my inner world to her. I will go through moments where I love her, want her, and want to tell her all this stuff, then I battle inner thoughts of hating her, that she doesn't care... and so on. I know she cares, I know this is coming from other places... and I shut it down again. She said some stuff that hurt me and left me very confused. She's acknowledged that I got hurt and acknowledged that things said did not land the way they were meant. I don't know how to move past this place. I've completely split her into different personalities in my head, which is scary and confusing at times, frustrating at others, and embarrassing to be able to see what I'm doing and not be able to stop it or change it. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of her even though she's still here because when I am seeing her as one part the others don't exist, and the one I grieve only seems to be the one I made up completely in my head. It is also the one I most want her to be.
And there's these big fears/thoughts that she's glad that things have made this change/turn. All I can say is it doesn't feel like progress. It feels like how I used to be with everyone... that she's become just like everyone else, pushed so far out of my inner world that there is no relationship. I don't exist, not allowed to exist. There's no point in talking or sharing anything because there's no value in sharing it. Not to mention that the part of her that I see when we are together in person, is the "mean" part that just wants to hurt me. How in the world am I supposed to break through this wall ?? (rhetorical question)