Everything is swirling in my head now H’s T wants to talk to me. How do I nicely say no without just ghosting her or shutting down? This issue has been growing for 17+ yrs and has so much tied up in it. It’s part of the reason I jump on and off medication and has almost caused divorce several times and still could. It hits so close to home. She’s the first T EVER to know the whole truth. I don’t want to deal with it. So much other stuff will come up. About how ****ed up I truly am. Our “they’re a good couple” is being shattered. I can’t handle this. but that doesn’t look like stable / doing okay. So I can’t do that. I thought about drugging the hell out of myself but how long can I really do that and not become an addict? I can’t purge. I’m out of ideas. Then there’s a possibility she wants to evaluate me for IP or if I do talk to her that it will go down that road. How do I handle this? I want to ghost her. H wont let that happen. She’s not one to let things go. I can’t just go mute on her because H will be there and knows my tricks. I can’t be completely honest with H there and I can’t be completely honest about my drug misuse because she has access to my file and PDoc. Maybe I’m overthinking this? I planned to ghost my whole mental health team and just live off 100 mg lamictal and occasional Zyprexa. Until I run out. I’m aware enough to realize my head is loud and I feel like there are bugs all over me. I’m so tired. H’s T wants me to get real help with everything.