Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0
This has been my experience of desire and longing in therapy and with my therapist, in that it's the absence of certain kinds of healthy relationships that make the transference bloom for me. It's like it was a clue for what I was missing in my marriage and/or other relationships.
For me, it was similar to when I've realized that certain relationships weren't good for me. What that unhealthy relationship brought me-- the most recent one, for example, was easy companionship and deep, intimate conversations. These needs are hardly unhealthy but for many other reasons, this relationship was, and I was willing to suffer for them.
I don't presume that transference is the same for everyone and it's kind of a stereotype to pitch therapy as useful only for those who don't get what they need from healthy relationships. It is perfectly possible to have a healthy and happy marriage and still experience transference or struggle with attachment. However, I do think it's worth exploring whether your marriage and other relationships are working for you in the overall picture of the changes you are making in therapy.
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It seems like with T, it's much easier for me to connect fleeting feelings of particularly ET for him with something that's missing from my marriage. I don't think I ever wrote about this one session, but I'd been talking about something that H had said to me that had bothered me. And T was like, "If I was married to your H, I think I'd often find myself saying to him, 'That's not an OK thing to say to me.'" (or something like that). Which suggested that T wouldn't say such things to his spouse either. But the difference between those reactions to T vs. ex-MC is with T, I can very clearly make that connection in my mind and not think, "I wish I were married to him." Because I suspect we would very quickly drive each other insane (and not in a good way!)
Whereas with ex-MC, there was definitely a part that was like, "I wish he could have been my H" (or "I wish he could have been my father"--I also don't have that with T). I suspect that came partly because at one time, I could see ex-MC being more compatible with me and also partly because he sort of played into that in some way, I think. And I also had more of a blurring in my mind of who ex-MC was in session vs. how he is in real-life, likely due to his sharing so much and fuzzy boundaries. Whereas with T, it's more like, "OK, this is the person he is to me in this room as my therapist" and not thinking he's necessarily the same in real life. Though actually, from what he's said, he's more similar in real life to how he is as a T--fairly blunt/direct with people, for example. I think I just envision him being like, "Yes, that dress does make you look fat, honey."