Oh, contacting him is quite near the bottom of a list. I try various other things first. I mean, this past Sunday I tried contacting a crisis chat--there was a long line of people ahead of me and I eventually gave up (this was after like 30 minutes--I should have just tried a different one). The problem with listening to his voice is that he only has his cell phone that he uses for both work and personal, so if I called, there was the chance he could answer. Ex-MC also had a work landline, so if I called that at 1 a.m. just to hear his voice, I could know he wouldn't answer. And T has never left me a voicemail (he generally communicates over text or email), so I'd have nothing to listen to there, in the way that I listened to ex-MC's voicemail message in the past for comfort. I suppose I could ask him to leave me one? I'm not sure if that would be too weird. Or...maybe I could just have him record a voice memo on my phone during session or something (so as not to take up outside time).

I think for me, it's like, if I'm near the "wonder if I should go to the ER" level, I hate hospitals in general so much that any possible thing to help me would be worth it. If I talked to him for 5 minutes (and this would be like a once a year thing), and that could help, it would be worth a shot. (Talking to ex-MC that one time at 2 a.m. kept me from crossing a line into really in crisis--that's not an option with T.) And it wouldn't be just about calling T--I'd text him and ask him to call. I wouldn't call and expect him to pick up. Honestly, it's not even about hearing his voice--if he were willing to exchange texts for 5 minutes (paid) or...I guess look at his email and reply to one? that would be enough. It's just with email, he may or may not look at it that evening.

I guess it's just his unclear policy is difficult for me. If he had a strict "Nope, no phone calls unless scheduled" (that's more for clients who go off to college--the scheduled phone sessions) policy, then it would be like, "OK, fine." But his is more like, "Well, maybe, depending on the circumstances." I guess I sort of want him to just say, "If you're feeling that bad, it's fine to request a call, just know it will be charged, can't be longer than 5 minutes, and I can't guarantee I will be available." That's the sort of thing I'd want. Ideally, I'd never even use it. It just helps to know the option is there if I need it. That in itself is comforting to me. Hm, maybe that's what I need to tell him. That the vast, vast majority of the time, just knowing the option is there if I need it is enough. (Like with ex-MC, I called him in the middle of the night exactly once in 4 years.)