T Monday. Went back and sat down. He was wearing his R2D2 socks. I said I felt like I should apologize for the email I'd sent him the night before but knew I didn't have to. That I'd tried to have a talk with H about something, but it went pretty badly, and I just ended up feeling really awful. That I'd tried talking to a couple friends, and it helped some, and I even tried an online crisis line thing, but I was in the queue for a long time, then got put into a chat area, and it still said someone was ahead of me, and after 10 minutes in there, I gave up. T was rather horrified at how long I'd waited in the chat room. Me: "Yeah..." I said someone had given me. the number of someplace to text the next time, where they're more available.

I told T I knew he likely wouldn't have seen the email that night (sent around 9 or 9:30 on a Sunday--I did mention how bad I felt). What I didn't say was that I'd contemplated texting him for a call because I was in such a bad place, but since we'd just talked about that the previous session, I was a little afraid it would seem like I was testing him or something. In retrospect, I should have told him that. Incidentally, he did send a brief, caring response to the email that morning (I'd sent a follow-up saying I'd be safe and that we could just talk in session).

I started crying and said I was frustrated with myself for feeling so bad Sunday night when I'd been doing so well the week before. T: "You mean with self-care?" Me: "Yes. I even went to yoga again Friday, despite being sore from Wednesday. And I'd been doing well with the drinking...till Sunday." I said I guessed I should tell him what happened Sunday night, adding that H and I did actually talk about some of the stuff that morning and resolved a few things. T: "OK."

I said how Sunday night had started out fairly well, that I'd dropped D off at my parents' for an overnight (it's spring break this week, so she's off) and H and I went out to dinner. That dinner was good, had a drink after. Then opted to go someplace else for a bit because I wanted to bring something up and was enjoying being out (I noted that it was only like 8:30 pm at this point, not late!)

Me: "I was trying to be careful with the drinking, only drinking lower-alcohol stuff and drinking slowly. And I mentioned that to H--oh right, I guess he made a comment that really bothered me pretty early on, when I mentioned that." T: "What was that?" Me: "Well, I said I was watching how much I was drinking. And H said he could let me know if I seemed to be getting drunk. I said OK."

T: "It seemed like he was trying to make light of it." Me: "Yeah, and it seemed like something inappropriate to make light of. I did mention it this morning and he apologized." T: "What did he say this morning?" Me: "He said, 'Yeah, I was trying to make a joke. I apologize." T: "I think I've mentioned this once before." Me: "Yes?" T: "Have you considered that your H might have Asperger's?" Me: "Yes, you did mention that before."

We had a very brief conversation about how I know that the DSM V no longer consider's Asperger's a formal diagnosis, that it's different functioning levels of autism, but that T thinks it's a specific set of symptoms and feels it should be different. I said I know at least one person with Asperger's who agrees with that and have read that people want to keep it a separate diagnosis.

Back to my H. T: "Most people would realize that there are certain things you don't joke about." Me: "Yeah, I would know not to joke about that." T: "Yes, you're on the particularly emotionally sensitive end of things. It could be said you're maybe even too sensitive about things." Me: "Yeah." T: "I'm not saying that as a criticism, just an observation." Me: "Yeah, I know. I am very sensitive." T: "But most people...OK, I think I've talked before about behavioral learning." Me: "Yes." He explained how people learn by doing things and seeing how others react, or by watching other people interact. How most people might be able to recognize how tens of thousands of different behaviors can affect people (or something like that), how I'm especially emotionally attuned, so it might be more like hundreds of thousands for me. But for H, if he does have Asperger's, could be just thousands for him.

T said how people typically are aware of how another person is reacting when they're talking, reading their facial expressions and body language to pick up on whether they're bored, interested, upset, etc., then reacting accordingly. T: "But from what you've said about H--remember, I've never met him, this is only going by what you've shared with me--but it seems like he doesn't tend to pick up on those cues." Me: "Like he wouldn't have noticed I was upset by that comment?" T: "Yes." Me: "Yeah, he doesn't seem to notice if I'm glazing over when he gives me endless details about a work project. Or he often doesn't pick up on if I'm in the middle of something when he comes down to talk to me in the middle of a workday." T: "Yes, things like that. Or just lacking sensitivity about how someone might be feeling." I said I'd noticed that in his interactions with his mom at times. T said how it could particularly affect things with D. Me: "Yeah, her, too."

T: "I'm going to make an observation here, and I'm sure it's really going to shock you." Me: "OK." T: "Not really, it's rather obvious, but: You and H are extremely different." Me: "Yeah..." T: "It makes me wonder how you ended up together." I described how he was when we first met at work, like 15 years ago. How he'd seemed kinda goofy and happy-go-lucky. He'd walk around the office barefoot, his desk was decorated with paperclip garlands. He'd go to coffeeshops and sit and observe people, writing down what he saw in a journal. And he'd write poetry sometimes. T: "That sounds appealing." Me: "Yeah. He just seems different now."

Talked more about the main conversation with H Sunday night, where I'd said I really missed being goofy and playful with H, how we would joke around together quite a bit. And that it felt like we didn't do that anymore. How H seemed to agree. That he's more serious now. I said I wasn't sure if it was partly related to having D, to his close friend's passing 6 years ago, something else. H said it may partly have been getting older. And we'd agreed about trying to have more fun. T said sounded like good conversation. Me: "Yeah...except then it somehow shifted to talking about ex-MC. I guess because we'd brought up the having fun stuff in there? And then H was talking about when things seemed to take a negative turn with ex-MC. And H said it was around the time of 'the incident,'
referring to my cheating a bit over 3 years ago. And it really upset me that he brought that up. When I thought we were having a positive conversation."

I said how I brought it up to him that morning, how it upset me that he'd mentioned it, and he said he was just thinking it was around when things changed with ex-MC, that there hadn't been any other meaning behind his mentioning it, and he was puzzled when he came back from the bathroom and I was crying. And that I was clearly angry with him, but he didn't know why. And I said how it felt like we were having a conversation about something else, then he brought it up, and it just made me think about it.

T: "It seems that you tend to go in a spiral the couple times he's mentioned it." Me: "yeah, I think much of it is guilt." T: "But it suggests that you don't think he's allowed to bring it up at all." Me: "What do you mean?" T: "Like you don't permit him to bring up the topic. You're trying to set rules around it." Me: "..." T: "When he should be able to mention it. Because it's something that happened." My first impulse was to feel upset by what T was saying. It felt a bit like he was taking H's side, instead of mine. But I thought for a second and realized he was just trying to help me. Me: "OK. I mean, I don't bring it up at all either. It just seems like a verboten topic in general. I guess part of me just feels it's in the past, and he says he's moved past it...but if he brings it up it suggests it's still on his mind." T: "Well, it is a thing that happened in your relationship." Me: "yeah, I know. But I don't know if it still bothers him and he seems unwilling to talk about it."

I mentioned that I wondered if we needed to go back to marriage counseling (obviously with someone other than ex-MC!) T didn't seem to give much of an opinion on that. Talked a bit about how he didn't marriage counseling, saying, "I'm not sure what training ex-MC had in it." Me: "I'm not sure either. You and ex-T talked about different theories or techniques you used in marriage counseling, like how you'd set goals, but ex-MC never did. It seemed more free-form." T: "Hm, Ok."

Me: "I think I worry if we go to marriage counseling again, how the marriage counselor would basically see me as the problem in the relationship, like ex-MC seemed to. Where he'd act like whatever H did/said was OK, it was my overreaction." T: "I'd hope that wouldn't happen. What I try to do with marriage counseling is getting the couple to have conversations they need to have. And then before they terminate, I talk about how they'll be able to have those kinds of conversations on their own. Like what are their plans for that?" Me: "Yeah, ex-MC never did that sort of thing with us. I mean, he'd say we handled a conversation well on our own or something, but..."

T: "Because the thing with a set marriage counseling appointment is you have a scheduled time to discuss things. And there's a set end to that time. That can be more difficult outside of that setting. Both setting aside time and having a set ending." I said how D is generally around, making it more difficult to talk. And if H and I are on a date night, it's like I often don't want to mess things up with a relationship talk. How I felt I did that Sunday night. And then we were still out together and came home together. That I missed D being there. T: "Because she can act as a sort of buffer?" Me: "Yeah." T said it can be hard to have a conversation at home because there's no set end to it. Like, do you keep talking about it later that day? The next morning?" He said one good way to handle it is to go for a walk together, because then you don't have to talk the whole time--Me: "Or face each other"--T, "Yes, and that. But then you can have a set time for the walk, when you get home. And if you feel you want to talk more, you could add a few minutes to the walk." Me: "That's a good idea, maybe I'll try that."

We did end up talking a bit more in there about how different H and I are and how he might have Asperger's, but I forget the specifics. We were at the end of time. Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for the next week. I went over and paid, talking about...something. Shaking my hand, T said, "Have a good weekend!" Me: "Uh...it's Monday...right?" T: "Oh, yes, it is! Have a good week then!" Me: "Thanks, you too." I opened the door and glanced back at him, hoping for a "take care," but there wasn't one (I think he's forgotten about my appreciation of that phrase--not sure it's worth bringing up again).