Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays
So the thing with H that had happened where the next morning he acted like nothing had happened was what you described here? The conflict was over him alluding to the cheating incident? It seems pretty clear why he wouldn't have brought the subject up the following morning. From what you've said, it sounds like you told him he wasn't fun anymore, then became upset when he offered insight into why your relationship has changed. Then it kind of sounds like you decided to talk about it the following morning, that consisted of guilting him for sharing his thoughts on the subject because they were upsetting to you. I'm not sure it's fair to say he's unwilling to talk about his feelings on this when your reaction might be coming across as punitive to him.
I realize that all probably comes across pretty harsh. I couldn't figure out how else to phrase it. I don't think you're "the problem" in the relationship. It sounds like you're both just trying to manage things the only way you know how, and those ways aren't always the most productive or conducive to open communication. If you feel like I'm giving your husband a free pass, know that I also think his SH comment is an example of communicating something (I'm not exactly sure what) in an unhelpful way. So there are definitely issues on both sides. I think your concern about being seen as "the problem" is about insecurity and it doesn't help that ex-MC was incompetent to provide MC.
One other thing I'm wondering about is if it's the best idea to talk about relationship stuff when you're drinking. I'm especially wondering this given your husband's comment about SHing after you've been drinking. That just made me wonder if you ever become more impulsive or dysregulated when alcohol is in the picture.
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Just to clarify the first part, I didn't say that *H* wasn't fun anymore. I said I missed when we would be playful and silly together. I was putting myself in there, too. Like, it was something that both of us weren't doing. Not just him. I think I made that fairly clear to him, both at night and in the morning. And I was trying to say I felt like that change happened way before the cheating, wondering if it had to do with us being parents, etc. He was saying that the ex-MC relationship changed after the cheating, not so much our relationship.
I agree that we shouldn't have the talks when we're drinking, at least not more than a beer or two. It's a bad pattern we fall into. Like alcohol helps give me courage to bring stuff up, but can also make him more blunt than usual. And is also part of why, in the morning, when he asked if I was OK, I said I was upset about some stuff from the night before. And we continued the conversation (both totally sober). I figured that was preferable to continuing to stew about it, while he would have invariably already let it go, which tends to be our pattern, mainly because it's how our minds work. It's also why I talked it out with T.