When I say I like it or it makes me feel good, I don't mean it in a fun way. I mean it makes me feel warm.

When you're starving and it's winter you feel cold all the time. No matter how much tea you drink or how many blankets you have or how long you sit in front of the heater it's just this deep cold down to your core even when your skin is warm.
But if you stand under hot water in the shower long enough, sometimes you can start to feel like you're almost warm, even where the chill is hiding in your bones.
It doesn't last though. It's never enough to actually be warm.
But when you feel cold all the time you stand there until all the hot water is gone, trying to hold onto that feeling.

When I say I like the feeling, I don't mean it's enjoyable. But it's like almost feeling not cold for a second.

I can't let myself have that though.
Hurting myself distracts from the cold. I'd rather hurt than have to sit through the cold. I'd rather hurt than long for warmth that I'll never really feel down to my bones.

I'm sorry. I understand if you're angry.
I'm sorry that I want to make you feel sad.
I feel guilty, if that's any consolidation.
I try to hurt myself instead.
But, even then, I want that to hurt you too, because I'm so tired of the cold.
I'm sorry.