TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, SUICIDAL IDEATION, SELF HATRED


I'm not really sure why I'm posting this here, I guess that I just feel really desperate right now

I used to self harm as a teen, and actively did so (mostly while actively trying to stop) from 14-18. I had a loooooong stretch where I didn't relapse at all, and I thought I never would again. I'm talking years here, while the longest I'd gone before that was a month or so? Maybe longer

But in February last year, I sort of relapsed, but only one time

Well, as of late, I've been thinking a lot about my mental health, my current state and the things I've done in the past. I'm really, really ashamed of some of the things I've done for awful reasons, and I'd rather not talk about those things publicly. But these things are probably the #1 reason(s) I hate myself, to the point that, when I was a teen, they were the initial reasons I became suicidal, purely out of self-hatred and shame. I haven't thought about these things so thoroughly and/or deeply for years, but now that I am, I feel myself spiraling to that spot of self-hatred again. Then again, these things I've done are related to self-sabotage on purpose, so I might even be doing this intentionally?? I don't know... I don't know if I want to know

Well, I've been under a lot of stress lately (just going back to working my regular hours after an emotionally difficult semester at school) and this combined with my intense self-hatred and attitude that "well, I relapsed already..." has all led me to relapsing as of last week Tuesday, and since then I've relapsed two more times. Though I have to wonder, does it even count? I'm barely scratching myself, there's no blood, I just... it doesn't feel like it even counts as a relapse, but the reasons I'm doing it are because I feel the need to punish myself since I'm such an awful person (in my eyes). And honestly? I just miss it. Self harm was sort of an addiction for me, and I get urges to relapse almost daily. It's hard

I'm going to a group therapy orientation next week, for the first time ever, and after the orientation everyone is going to be speaking with a professional to identify our current needs so we can be placed into an appropriate group. I'll probably bring some of these things up with the professional then (the group therapy isn't even intended for this, it wasn't an issue when I booked it - the group therapy was intended for my possible OCD) but for the time being, it's been really eating at me. My friends are going through a LOT of stress right now as well, and I don't want to burden them with this, and I feel like it would be bad for me to talk to them about it because the reasons I hate myself so much are so tangled up in "self sabotage on purpose" that I worry I'll be a manipulative person if I do so, you know?

I'm sorry for the... overly emotional post, I guess? I've just got a lot on my mind and don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about this

I know this probably isn't the case for anyone who'll read this, but I hope you have a lovely day