I'm sorry I can't say if it counts or not, but I really relate to this!
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Well, as of late, I've been thinking a lot about my mental health, my current state and the things I've done in the past. I'm really, really ashamed of some of the things I've done for awful reasons, and I'd rather not talk about those things publicly. But these things are probably the #1 reason(s) I hate myself, to the point that, when I was a teen, they were the initial reasons I became suicidal, purely out of self-hatred and shame. I haven't thought about these things so thoroughly and/or deeply for years, but now that I am, I feel myself spiraling to that spot of self-hatred again.
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I think about where I was and the things I did 5 years ago, and I feel disgusted with myself. I want to tell someone, and have had plenty of opportunities to, but I'm so ashamed.
Recently all I've been thinking about is how much I hate and want to hurt myself. It's gotten to the point where, if I don't cut, I can't focus on anything else.
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My friends are going through a LOT of stress right now as well, and I don't want to burden them with this, and I feel like it would be bad for me to talk to them about it because the reasons I hate myself so much are so tangled up in "self sabotage on purpose" that I worry I'll be a manipulative person if I do so, you know?
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I'm always questioning whether what I'm going through is genuine or whether I'm over-exaggerating/doing it on purpose. It's like I can't trust myself. I haven't told anyone because I don't want to become a burden or emotionally manipulative.