Hi, everyone,

I have been struggling with what seems like depression for the past month: decreased or even completely absent interest in activities, a "less-than-content" baseline mood, and lacking motivation or attention span to complete tasks.

The biggest one for me, the one I've desperately trying to fix, is my relationship with music.

Part of why this is so complicated is that I was dating someone for 2+ years, and we shared a lot of common interests, especially music. Before then, I was a very private person—only child, kept to self, etc. However, as an INFJ (i.e. get very passionate easily), I was also known for rambling on and on about whatever band or musician I'm obsessing over. Basically, I had my own life, started dating someone, our lives became a little too over-intertwined, I lost my sense of privacy and perhaps thus lost my intimate relationship with the music I love.

I was dating this person for over 2 years, and we were constantly sharing new music with each other (and again, I'm usually very enthusiastic about this). Which is awesome, but our relationship was complicated and not always smooth-sailing, although we cared about each other very much.

What I think happened is that I developed a habit of "needing" to share music with him. Although we've been broken up for over a month now, I find myself listening to a song I like and automatically thinking, "Oh, I should tell ___ about this."

I do this with others, too, usually a close friend or two with whom I also share music with. There is still anxiety with that, too, because I'm still thinking about music in relation to other people. In other words, I can't just "live in the moment" and enjoy a song for what it is.

I used to spend most nights alone with my headphones on, finding new songs to listen to or immersing myself in the ones I already loved. However, I think a crazy mix of dating and seemingly endless life-disrupting events (complications with parents, moving across states, health problems) have just, in general, made my ability to enjoy my hobbies dramatically decrease.

It's not always like this. Every once in a while I listen to a song, and it DOES bring me joy! But it's much harder to find a song that "fits my mood," and more often than not I'm not even in the mood to listen to music. I say it feels like depression because it feels like a gaping hole where my ardent love for music should be.

What to do, then? I've tried CBT on and off. I smoke weed on occasion. It helps an awful lot with helping me appreciate music, but of course I can't do that at work, while driving, etc, and it's not something I want to rely on (I don't know if this is important, but I'm not a big drinker, either). I've also been trying to do things like yoga and meditation; it's about a once a week occurrence at the moment. And I've been exercising more than I have in several months. Running helps temporarily boost my mood, but not in regards to the music situation. I've also tried just meditating on a song, where I try to focus on what's playing, but my mind ALWAYS jumps to something else. I'm currently not on any medication for anxiety, depression, or attention deficits. Although I've always dealt with anxiety, these problems seem to resolve on their own over time. However, it's been 2+ years for me with this issue.

My therapist said she has never heard of someone having an aversion to music like this (I call it "music anxiety"), other than avoiding a song that reminded someone of a bad time. This is more than this: my whole attitude to the act of listening to music has changed. I have an appointment scheduled with her soon again; she in general has been a big help in my life.

It's been different for what seems like the start of my 2+ year relationship. I suppose, if it has been going on for this long, it's understandable that I'm burnt out. However, I just want to get to the bottom of this and start enjoy life again.

For the first time in a long while, I'm finally living by myself (well, I have roommates, but I finally have a room to myself—no more boyfriend! haha). I think that will help tremendously. I just hate how long this healing process is taking . (Also sorry if none of this makes sense, I'm a little sleep-deprived and anxious, of course.)