Tears fall as I read these posts. Perhaps I am crying for the child that couldn't, maybe its for the adult who just now is feeling the pain all over again. Justy, you ARE strong, because you SURVIVED. That goes for ALL OF US.

I too, am an abuse survivor. I am no longer a victim. Of the abuse, that is. I AM a victim of my own emotions and how I react now to the past. Gosh, I talk a good game, dont I? I say things so eloquently, sound so positive and strong, and yet inside I feel like jello.

I did not allow myself to cry when I was being beaten. I would not give them the satisfaction. So I cut off my feelings, and became like that Simon and Garfunkel song, I Am A Rock. "A rock feels no pain. And an island never cries." That was me. May I be so bold as to say I think that may have been most - if not all - of us back then while IT was happening. I didnt even cry afterward, alone in my room. I would not allow myself to FEEL any emotion, good / bad / indifferent. Feeling showed vulnerability and weakness. "I touch no one and no one touches me" was my anthem.

An island of loneliness, a rock of ??? (words, don't fail me now) stony silence, perhaps. And now, as we ( I ) somehow find our way off that island, many years later,
are threatened by drowning in the sea of our own tears that we finally manage to shed.

The tears finally come for the little child who was so fragile, so trusting - and had that trust shattered by someone who was suppose to love us. I have forgiven my abuser (my dad), but I will never forget the abuse. I do, however, remain very angry at my mom, who "should have" protected me. She knew it was happening, and did nothing to stop it. Perhaps she was afraid of him as well, I don't know. But she did her own share of ausing me, too. He did the physical and sexual, she did the verbal and emotional.

Although I must say that my mom and I got into fights more than once in our lives... actually, she hit, I defended - I never once hit her back. Not that I didnt want to; I knew that if I did hit back, I would probably have ended up in the hospital - or the morgue. My father would have killed me if I ever hit my mother. So I endured her attacks, just trying to defend myself and stay alive with some kind of sanity intact. Today, there is a love-hate relationship with her... I love her, but I hate what she did to me.

Having spilled my guts here in this forum, for the first time since joining psych central, I am now going to bed.

Justy, you are in my thought and prayers. The pain and anguish you are feeling now IS a integral part of the healing process. For some odd reason, we must revisit the abuse in order to get past it and move on. Just know that HE can no longer physically hurt you. And that the only way he can hurt you emotionally, is if you let him. Don't give him the power. Please take the following in the sprirt intended : STOP BEING SCARED (of the abuser), and START GETTING ANGRY (at the abuser).

Scared = victim; angry = survivor.