Why can't I just do the right things.. I have to wonder through the abyss to find content.. this ****ing antipsychotic could be making me numb.. all the colours turn black and grey in my mind.. black and white dreams.. I am still childlike after tripping.. world unknown to me.. hopefully one day I'll grow up.. be more responsible.. suicidal thoughts happen sometimes.. the future is going to be a mess.. heroin addiction.. no jk but idk.. I am lost.. I said to myself in the past, "I don't need to find me. I know who I am" but all that has happened, I don't know.. I was manipulated.. in the middle of no where.. people didn't seem like they were for me.. If only I knew what I know now.. I could see much more and gain perspective.. But the way I grow is so slow.. the soldiers said they don't hate me as a person but what product of society I have become.. like they are better than me.. they're not.. we're all the same.. possessed by demons that we have to tame..

The spirits will guide us through hard times. But they are dead. I seek what I don't know.. I like to keep my options open.. but for how long? When can I allow myself to feel happily trapped? Psychosis.. panic.. depression.. dying.. we're all dying and find ways to distract ourselves to see the light.. but we all know darkness follows behind us.. our shadows..