Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche
Yes, I believe you are mollycoddling and pestering your boyfriend.
eclair, why are you spending time with this man who has been verbally abusive to you? I see no reason to spend time with someone who doesn't like me. If he was tired from no sleep the night before then his responses wouldn't be rational to begin with.
Last night I didn't get any sleep and today I was really snappy at my temp job with everyone, and had a hard time keeping my eyes open and focusing on my tasks.
To expect your abusive boyfriend to appreciate your concern for his well-being, seems somewhat codependent behavior to me, and a little bit demanding and insecure. Im sorry, but it's the way I perceive your situation and I like you a lot. If he doesn't act the way you expect him to, you overreact, which is a sign you are trying to control him. Are you? Trying to control him?
I thought you were through with him? Why would you care what he thinks of you, if you don't want to be with him anymore? If you don't want to break up with him, then don't.
Please understand that when someone loses a night of sleep, they aren't going to have the best manners with anyone the very next day, no matter who they interact with. My advice to you is to decide what you want from him and follow through on that. Do you want to stay with him? Or do you want to break up with him?
If you stay with him, you need to accept that he will continue to verbally abuse you the way you've posted about him doing, with periods where he stops if you call him out on it. But it will continue, b/c that is the pattern of your relationship.
If you break up with him, you will go through relationship withdraw which is totally normal. It's a process of learning to let go and not create excuses to keep the person in your life, who is toxic to your well-being. The process isn't an easy one to go through, but it's a necessary one.
Going no contact full-on, is the only way you can release your codependent pattern with your boyfriend who verbally abuses you. If he was respectful to you, you wouldn't have so much anxiety over your actions and choices when you spend time with him. But he's not respectful of you, which is why you react this way.
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Hello StreetcarBlanche
you were right about everything you told me as were everyone else I opened up to and I should have listened. I'm relatively new to things like this and when he said he'd stop and that he never intended to hurt/disrespect me, I believed him - for a few days, he was genuinely really nice, like he'd become a caring, kind, thoughtful, loving man BUT the other day, everything was ruined because he went back to how he was before.
The sleep deprivation aside, we had a horrible day - he insulted my family, endlessly joked about my weight, suggested I'm abusive towards my dog, mocked my faith (he's atheist and entitled to his own beliefs but there are ways of communicating them respectfully to your partner - in his mind, everyone with faith is guilty of doing something wrong and therefore "hiding behind a cross", vicars are innapropiate towards choir boys ... he was extremely insensitive)... tired or not, you don't act in this way. Snappy, perhaps. But the snapping was the boiling point for me so I went home.
I understand why anyone wouldn't be well mannered/thoughtful having lacked sleep, I've been there - but I don't recall being so blatantly verbally abusive towards anyone. Shouting, probably... Snappy, yes. Personally insulting towards others, I absolutely was not and I'm sure you were not either. I can not reason with his behaviour so I'm not going to try. I'm going to break up with him and then block him, perhaps? I feel that's too harsh but after everything, it's probably necessary.
You're right that I probably have overreacted when he's not been as thoughtful as I wish he could be as my partner. I'm not sure if I'm controlling. Maybe I am in the sense that I wish he could be a kinder person, not just to me but to people in general. Either way, I've had enough of the animosity and disrespect and rudeness and as you noted, the false promises he makes to me - that he'll change/be thoughtful/stop insulting me and then do so after just a few days of being nice.
It's ok - I'm leaving and I'm sticking with my decision
I haven't decided how exactly or what to say considering last time didn't work. Thank you again as always for your response, I appreciate it loads