I had T today. It started on time but T had to go to the restroom so I had a little time in the office by myself which I spent looking at the pictures on the walls. Pretty much every inch of wall space has pictures on it and I still haven't looked at them all.

T came in and asked me when was the last time I SH-ed. And I replied February 10th. She said that was pretty long and asked if it was a record for me? I said it wasn't a record but it's longer than I usually go. She asked me how I was abstaining? I reminded her that I gave up SH for Lent. She said but Easter is tomorrow....what happens then? I said I was thinking of extending my no SH time until Pentecost which is June 9th. She asked me what problems SH causes for me? I said sometimes I go too deep like last time when I had to get stitches which was embarrassing and expensive. Plus others around me get upset. She asked me what benefits I get from SH? I told her if I'm suicidal or having a lot of hallucinations it kind of resets things.

Then she asked me about my medications. I told her my PDOC who she knows....they work in the same office, had increased my AP by 1mg last time. She said it can take time to get the meds right and I told her I've seen my PDOC for years and saw his predecessor also. She said oh so you've been around a while? And I said yes. We had a brief discussion of meds I've been on. She reiterated that she thought my meds needed to be tweaked.

We talked about work. I've put in a couple of applications elsewhere, and we talked about my conflict between wanting to make more money and wanting to be there for my boss. She said I don't put my own needs first, that I'm caretaking my boss. She said that's okay if it's my choice but she thinks I'm not happy in part because I'm not meeting all my needs, I'm too focused about meeting the needs of others. She asked me what my Dad would say if I got one of those job offers and I said my Dad would say to take it. She asked what my Mom would say and I said my Mom would say what about my boss (who is also a family friend).

Then I started dissociating. She asked me how my body felt and I said sleepy. She asked what was under sleepy? Then she did EMDR which doesn't make sense to me as I was dissociated. I felt like that part was stupid and a waste of time. Then I told her I felt hopeless. Hopeless about the job thing because it's lose-lose. And hopeless about the SH thing because it's just a matter of time before I relapse and I can push it out but eventually I'm going to cave. She said I'm very self disciplined and that I can control SH. I'm not sure about the latter. Then she made a similarity between SH and drinking. How it's moment by moment for alcoholics. I don't know if that's true because I don't drink. I don't know where she was going with that.

I went back to giving up SH until Pentecost. She didn't say whether it was a good thing or not. I said I guess I just need to trust God that I won't get too suicidal and need to SH. She said you have enough faith to do that.

I think there's stuff I'm forgetting. I remember she talked about jumping off a building which was triggering but I dont remember why she was talking about it. I felt like we were dancing around suicidal thoughts and feelings without talking about it directly. I know former T would have come out and straight up asked me about plans etc. But T didn't and I didn't know how to bring it up. I'm still trying to process. If I remember more I will post it. She said time was up and wished me a happy Easter. I felt emotionally flattened and drained. I feel like I need a nap. I feel like the session was so so. She said I have much to think about. My stomach feels a little off. So I know something isn't right. I'm just not sure what.

Thanks for reading. Comments okay. Hugs Kit