I bet we all wish hot sauce worked. The only med I've ever had that stopped the bad stuff right away was olanzapine. Depakote isn't going to turn anything off immediately. It will take a couple weeks to begin to work, and many more to adjust to the right level. If you want to have a med escape route available from these scariest monsters, that makes complete sense to me. But then get one that works. Olanzapine is the only one I know that has an immediate effect on the kinds of things you are struggling with.

I wish I knew a miracle for you, but all any of us have are little pieces to an enourmous puzzle.

I hope you can try olanzapine, for me it has been utterly effective in shattering that desperate aspect of the doom cycle. Once I experiened that, it changed the whole fear structure I perceived my illness through. At least I know I can turn off that destroyer voice in a clinch. Just knowing that cut the balls off the thing in some ways, made it a weaker, less undermining threat. My background is more clear because of it. I hope you can try some.

I'm glad you keep posting, and my heart breaks for the pain you're in. Keep on.