I won't commit suicide because I'm too scared of some kind of possible eternal punishment or that if I screw it up (solid possibility) that I'll wind up paralyzed or something for life and be a burden on my family.

But every day is just horrible. Pure, searing, pain and shame with no shred of happiness. I'm going to be 35 soon and through some stupidity and **** luck I'm completely broke with no real career. I took a job for the last month or so for 38K that just paid the bills and took a different one now that will pay 47K. For my age, that's straight up embarrassing. I'm looking for a nights and weekends job to be a bartender or something but that's really hard to get too. Being 35 with no money and no career is incredibly severe.

If only that was really it though. I'm also single because I was messed with sexually when I was young and never developed a sexual attraction to women. It's always been about companionship but obviously my relationships fizzle when it gets to the part of having sex. So I'm also basically a virgin. I spent kind of frivolously when I was young because I never thought I'd get married and have a family because I'm so messed up in that way.

I don't look forward to anything anymore because nothing is fun anymore. I love my parents but all I feel around them is pure shame. One day they'll know what a failure I am, and on top of that I won't be able to give them that dream of seeing their child get married and/or have kids. I love my friends but it's the same thing, all I feel is pure shame. What scares me is I love playing sports and that was always the one escape I had where I didn't think about anything else...and that's gone now too. This is all I can ever think about.

It's all a vicious cycle. When I had money, there were fun times but no real end game because I had no aspirations to get married or have kids. Now, ironically, those are things that are kind of entering my mind but I won't be able to because I don't have money or a career and I'm going to be 40 in 5 years. I can't go back to school because I can't afford it, and in when I can in the future, I shouldn't because I need to build a decent base for savings at this point of my life so I don't starve when I'm older. I'll probably have to work 2 jobs the rest of my life. I don't necessarily mind that because there's no fun to be had for me now anyways but it still stinks.

Every morning I get up at 5AM and pray to the universe and if there is a God, to just take my life. Just please end this. Severe anxiety, depression, and shame is what every single day of my life is. Every day is the worst day of my life. The best day of my life will be the day I die. I read about people dying all the time and ask why it can't be me instead. I've heard of people that get things like pancreatic cancer and have months to live and they're successful, happy people. Give it to me instead. I'd be ecstatic to have that. But with my luck, I'll likely get a cancer that I'll suffer with and unfortunately survive.

There is nothing I can do to shut all if off. I can't watch movies or shows because it feels like a waste of time when I need to think about ways to make money or put together some kind of career. Medication won't help because it's not going to give me a great job and money and fix me sexually. Therapy and the lists of gratitude isn't going to help. Gratitude for what?

I wasn't always like this. I used to be a pretty happy person. I've always loved kids and it was always sad for me that I was never going to be able to have a family, but I hid it so well. I've always volunteered with Special Olympics and was a special ed paraprofessional for a couple of years. Some of my favorite moments. I can't face them anymore with what I turned out to be. A 35 year old loser with no career, money, little in the way of possessions, unmarried, etc.

I just want peace. And I'll never have it. I envy anyone who can just sit outside and enjoy life. Or watch something and just relax. I'm not even bitter. Good for everyone else. I've heard before that life needs balance. Maybe there has to be people like me for other people to look at and realize how good they have it. Maybe that's my role.

There is no way out of this. You can't be my age and have no career or money or assets and not struggle financially for the rest of your life. I won't have a spouse or a kid to fall back on to live off love. And I'm too scared to end my own life. So the only choice is bear each day and hope I die somehow. It's going to be insanely tough to do this for 30+ more years. I don't even want to think about being one of the "lucky" ones that makes it to 90 or more.

Please if any of you are people that pray, pray for whatever's out there to end my misery.

- Joe