Quote:
Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind
Hello Joe.
Nice to meet you. You are not alone in your feelings of despair and hopelessness. Yes, while your income may not make things "fall into your lap" - but rather, cause you to plan n struggle a bit to get things done .. it is still an income, and it's one that allows you to provide for yourself. Be proud of that. You don't need to be living high style to be successful - very few ever do make it into the high style living. You are successful by being able to make sure you survive from day to day. I am older than you and make half your income. I don't have a job. I am on disability instead. Do I see it as a failing? No. Why? Because the money I receive allows me to survive - and I know where help is available if I need it. Because the disability allows me to be as happy and healthy as I can be. Because I earned the monies I make while I was working. I am a success bc I have made sure I can survive and be as happy and healthy as possible.
I didn't get married til around your age, and my husband was older. Marriage does not have an age limit. If you truly want children - that too can be done at most any age, even by adoption if needed. My point is - you are counting yourself out before you really give yourself a chance.
It's good you won't kill yourself. That shows strength. It shows courage. It shows resilience. It shows you have will power.
Now ... why can't you use these things to give yourself the chance you deserve? The chance at happiness. You don't need to be well off to be happy. You don't need to be married to be happy. You don't need to have kids to be happy. What you need - is a desire to be happy. You have that, but you are also tryinv to put out the flames of that desire. Don't. Let it burn bright. Use that to guide you as you use your strength, will power, courage, and resilience to find the happiness you deserve. ❤
Blessings to you.
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Thank you for the reply, I appreciate it. And I am sorry to hear about your disability. And I'm happy for you that you have someone.
I don't see how I can. I don't have money and my brain isn't wired like everyone else's in terms of sexually. Ever since what happened to me when I was young, I just don't have that.
Surviving is also putting it lightly. It is very severe to have nothing in savings at my age, and with my low incomes it's going to be such a struggle to save every month.
I don't know what happiness looks like. I have no money. I feel nothing but shame with family and friends so I can't have fun ever. My mind races too much to enjoy simple things like movies or walks outside. I can't date because no woman will ultimately want someone without money or a real career or is messed up sexually.
It's a strange thing to have nothing to look forward to. Time is just stagnant. My life is literally just waiting for every moment to be over. I wish I could even say to get to sleep, but my anxiety is pounding when I go to bed and when I wake up too. There's no peace. I just have to find a way to get through this life and hope something is better on the other side. I'm trying to fill up my time the best I can with 2 jobs, volunteering, and sports if I can even though I don't enjoy them anymore. My plan is to ultimately save up some money and move to some small town where nobody knows me and just do the same, work a couple of jobs, volunteer, exercise and live in seclusion and just hope I'm so tired at the end of the day that I can get a modicum of peace and sleep.
The truth is, life is a dark, horrible thing. It is beautiful for some people. They created sayings like "Everything will be OK" because for probably half the people, it will be and it can save their lives.
I think about suicide and death all the time, I'm just not brave enough to do it. Every time I see a hotel I look to see if it's high enough without protrusions to where I could make it work if I leapt from the top. In the city, I walk under construction beams and just hope one will fall on me. Or when my anxiety is so overwhelming and I can feel my chest hurt and my heart beat irryhtmically, that I'll have a heart attack or something.
I just want it to be over so bad. The ironic thing is, that's when I feel like almost being 35 is young. It's too old to really turn things around, but young to hope for the death every day because it's likely not coming for at least 30 years. It's going to be agonizing.