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Crypts_Of_The_Mind · Apr 21, 2019 at 12:11 PM

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Thank you for the reply, I appreciate it. And I am sorry to hear about your disability. And I'm happy for you that you have someone.

I have someone now, yes .. but at the time I had given up on finding anyone. I was homeless and living in a shelter. I was not looking for anyone at all. It's not always good either. In fact, we divorced for a time. We are remarried now but we still have arguments. Life is not perfect - with or without someone to share it with.

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I don't see how I can. I don't have money and my brain isn't wired like everyone else's in terms of sexually. Ever since what happened to me when I was young, I just don't have that.

My husband and I have a very limited sex life bc both of us have had "bad things" happen to us in our past regarding that. We love and respect one another to work with the things and amount that is acceptable to both. That's what love is - accepting one another for who and what they are. There is someone like that out there for you too, but finding them is generally easier when you are not searching bc then you are just yourself (not trying to impress).

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Surviving is also putting it lightly. It is very severe to have nothing in savings at my age, and with my low incomes it's going to be such a struggle to save every month.

I know precisely what it is to live paycheck to paycheck. It's how I have lived ever since leaving my dad's house when I was 18. You're right, it's not fun - but you ARE surviving. And .. there are ways of doing small things for enjoyment from time to time. For instance, one thing we do when we want to buy something nice is pawn something to a pawn store that allows items to stay on pawn for 3mo or more so long as you pay interest - and then during those extra months, save aside $20 or so in order to pay off the pawn.

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I don't know what happiness looks like. I have no money. I feel nothing but shame with family and friends so I can't have fun ever.

Honestly - if you are feeling shame and it's bc of something your family is doing or saying to you .. then you need to either limit contact or sever contact. If you feel shame because you wanted to impress them when you were this age - then, you need to understand nobody (or perhaps very few) ever has the reality they dreamt of as a kid. Part of life is adjusting. That does not mean you can never be what you wanted to be, but if you spend your life bemoaning what you wanted to be by now - then you definitely will never be what you wanted to be.

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My mind races too much to enjoy simple things like movies or walks outside. I can't date because no woman will ultimately want someone without money or a real career or is messed up sexually.

You keep telling me what you "can't do". Tell me what you CAN do. I know you can do something. We all can.

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It's a strange thing to have nothing to look forward to. Time is just stagnant. My life is literally just waiting for every moment to be over. I wish I could even say to get to sleep, but my anxiety is pounding when I go to bed and when I wake up too. There's no peace. I just have to find a way to get through this life and hope something is better on the other side. I'm trying to fill up my time the best I can with 2 jobs, volunteering, and sports if I can even though I don't enjoy them anymore. My plan is to ultimately save up some money and move to some small town where nobody knows me and just do the same, work a couple of jobs, volunteer, exercise and live in seclusion and just hope I'm so tired at the end of the day that I can get a modicum of peace and sleep.

Part of that plan should be to figure out what works to help you get better and follow through with that. Is that part of your plan?

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The truth is, life is a dark, horrible thing. It is beautiful for some people. They created sayings like "Everything will be OK" because for probably half the people, it will be and it can save their lives.

I hate that saying myself. To me, it's like a smack in the face.

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I think about suicide and death all the time, I'm just not brave enough to do it. Every time I see a hotel I look to see if it's high enough without protrusions to where I could make it work if I leapt from the top. In the city, I walk under construction beams and just hope one will fall on me. Or when my anxiety is so overwhelming and I can feel my chest hurt and my heart beat irryhtmically, that I'll have a heart attack or something.

Thinking about it and doing it are two separate things. Depression will cause you to think of it. It takes courage, strength, and willpower to resist that urge. Depression lies to you and tells you it is weakness and just fear. It is you using reason and logic in order to continue to be strong and keep your will power in tact. It takes courage each time you choose to use that logic and reason.

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I just want it to be over so bad. The ironic thing is, that's when I feel like almost being 35 is young. It's too old to really turn things around, but young to hope for the death every day because it's likely not coming for at least 30 years. It's going to be agonizing.

It is a young age. I learned that when I was 12 and my Mom died when she was 42. Ever since then, no age has seems "old" to me - but anything under 45 is "young". I will turn 45 in a couple months.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, you have problems. Yes, you have issues. Yes, you have faults. But - all of us here do .. and everyone without mh problems does too, just a different set. That's why we need each other .. we need friends, we need support groups - if we are lucky we have loving families and spouses. Life is never easy .. but we can make it the best it can be for us. That's why the quote I have saved my life so many times .. "moments that take my breath away" are both good and bad. I see the bad a lot. I deserve to see the good. I sure don't want to miss the moments that are so good they take my breath away .. do you want to miss any of yours?