I would just like to have someone to hang out with, care about and be cared about, and share bad and good news with etc. so it isn’t always bottled up inside. I can’t get that from just friends as they all have their own families. And I guess I’m a bad person for quitting my job to go back to school to get a much better job? I lost so much purpose and social contact, but when I did that I still had my ex... It was for the greater good, so why am I still the villain if I temporarily needed more? With the job I had, I WAS a much better person. The problem was I finally had a personality and was trying to be more true to my gender identity. Which of course made me more unlovable for some reason. And leaving to get certified to be a teacher should have made me more attractive, right? And I guess I have no right to be really frustrated treated like a child and rarely getting to make executive decisions even though the students come to me for that. I guess like usual, I can’t have negative emotions without them possibly used against me. It’s like I make a difficult but important decision to improve my life and I get screwed over as hard as possible. And damn...no mercy.

I really resent the idea that I have to earn the privilege of being loved at all. Having to always be good enough to earn love is one of the main reasons why self esteem is so low. So it doesn’t really help to point out that I’m still not good enough.