I have someone now, yes .. but at the time I had given up on finding anyone. I was homeless and living in a shelter. I was not looking for anyone at all. It's not always good either. In fact, we divorced for a time. We are remarried now but we still have arguments. Life is not perfect - with or without someone to share it with.

I am sorry to hear that, but I do think it is better to have someone to share it with.

My husband and I have a very limited sex life bc both of us have had "bad things" happen to us in our past regarding that. We love and respect one another to work with the things and amount that is acceptable to both. That's what love is - accepting one another for who and what they are. There is someone like that out there for you too, but finding them is generally easier when you are not searching bc then you are just yourself (not trying to impress).

That is great. I'm definitely not searching because of my financial/career status right now. But I'm never going to be able to catch up as far as that goes.

I know precisely what it is to live paycheck to paycheck. It's how I have lived ever since leaving my dad's house when I was 18. You're right, it's not fun - but you ARE surviving. And .. there are ways of doing small things for enjoyment from time to time. For instance, one thing we do when we want to buy something nice is pawn something to a pawn store that allows items to stay on pawn for 3mo or more so long as you pay interest - and then during those extra months, save aside $20 or so in order to pay off the pawn.

It is cool that you can take enjoyment from something like that. I just don't see it for myself. Everything just feels shameful to me and I can't take joy out of little things like that.

Honestly - if you are feeling shame and it's bc of something your family is doing or saying to you .. then you need to either limit contact or sever contact. If you feel shame because you wanted to impress them when you were this age - then, you need to understand nobody (or perhaps very few) ever has the reality they dreamt of as a kid. Part of life is adjusting. That does not mean you can never be what you wanted to be, but if you spend your life bemoaning what you wanted to be by now - then you definitely will never be what you wanted to be.

It's actually almost the opposite. My parents were middle class and pretty much gave me every opportunity to succeed in life. But through my 20's I pretty much didn't care about really driving towards a real career and spent frivolously because I was messed up sexually because of some things that happened when I was a kid and didn't really have any attraction towards human beings so I never thought I'd get married or have kids so I just didn't care about saving anything. And now things are changing and I have nothing. And I won't be able to make my parents proud.

You keep telling me what you "can't do". Tell me what you CAN do. I know you can do something. We all can.

I can do things, but none of them feel good. Literally nothing in life feels good anymore. I just feel horrible all the time and I can't stop it. Nothing I used to do like play sports, being outside, eating good food, hanging out with friends or family...it all feels awful. Everything is a struggle. And there is no end because I'm never going to be able to catch up.

Part of that plan should be to figure out what works to help you get better and follow through with that. Is that part of your plan?

Not really, I just figured being in a new place in seclusion won't hurt as much. I don't know if that's real or not. I don't know if there is any kind of alleviation to this.

I hate that saying myself. To me, it's like a smack in the face.


Thinking about it and doing it are two separate things. Depression will cause you to think of it. It takes courage, strength, and willpower to resist that urge. Depression lies to you and tells you it is weakness and just fear. It is you using reason and logic in order to continue to be strong and keep your will power in tact. It takes courage each time you choose to use that logic and reason.



It is a young age. I learned that when I was 12 and my Mom died when she was 42. Ever since then, no age has seems "old" to me - but anything under 45 is "young". I will turn 45 in a couple months.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, you have problems. Yes, you have issues. Yes, you have faults. But - all of us here do .. and everyone without mh problems does too, just a different set. That's why we need each other .. we need friends, we need support groups - if we are lucky we have loving families and spouses. Life is never easy .. but we can make it the best it can be for us. That's why the quote I have saved my life so many times .. "moments that take my breath away" are both good and bad. I see the bad a lot. I deserve to see the good. I sure don't want to miss the moments that are so good they take my breath away .. do you want to miss any of yours?