I just realized something.

I want to feel "held," but I also avoid eye contact or anything else that might give me that feeling because I feel like it wouldn't be fair of me to put you in that position. You shouldn't have to share such an emotionally intense and intimate moment with someone so pathetic and disgusting and bad.
It's like it would feel like a violation of you in some way?
On some level I guess I feel like you would be averse to the idea and it would be taking advantage of the fact that you feel ethically obligated to be warm and supportive towards me so you'd share that moment with me even if you didn't want to.
I'm too disgusting. I have no right to ask that if anyone.
I feel dirty for wanting it.
(I think you finally understand that I really don't mean anything romantic or sexual when I use that word.)