Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
What’s embarrassing about being attracted to someone? I’m sure there are others who will find you attractive. You aren’t so different and alone in this world. You aren’t a unicorn.  |
It's embarrassing because it's immature and inappropriate because it isn't wanted/returned and he's younger.
Where are all these people who find me attractive? My ex (maybe?) and one other person that would be highly unethical to pursue even if I had an interest.
I don't recall ever turning anyone down...I mean, I dated my ex because it was my only chance at ever being in a relationship. You would never understand what it's like.
I'm getting older now so the amount of people who will find me attractive is going to get lower and lower. I try to look as young as possible so I probably have a few more years, but still, no one asks me on a date, no one flirts with me, no one has a friend that might be interested, nothing. No one I'm attracted to is available or interested.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
From reading your posts I think that one thing you don't want to feel is "inferior" like your father made you feel. It sounds like that is what you keep trying to fix, to change how your father's messages kept affecting your self esteem. A relationship with a man "can" trigger you to feel inferior which is probably why you don't want a man to have anything else he cares about. I am wondering if your confusion about sexuality and being with a woman has more to do with your need to feel superior than actual sexuality.
It's interesting reading what you think about music too. I was always one that could do best music wise by ear, yet struggled when it came to reading sheet music and connecting the notes with the sounds. I was able to sit at a piano and play it by ear and yet to expect me to play it according to sheet music, forget it I would be lost. I honestly had no idea that it was a positive thing to be able to sing and play by ear, always felt I was a kind of "fake" because I could not do it that way. I would be able to play the guitar by seeing chords though, not the notes as I could remember the sound of the chords. It was not until YEARS later when I heard the Beetles wrote music and yet could not read or write music with notes etc. I used to write my own songs, but not in a conventional way. I wish I had known it was ok that I did so much by ear. I had to hear songs to remember them, and could not look at sheet music and sing by that. The music I wrote was by chords that I learned when I taught myself how to play the guitar. The song itself was memorized as I could not write it out into sheet music. I would have needed someone who could actually write things out into sheet music. I was ashamed to tell anyone that. So, I can understand that feeling of feeling "stupid" and needing to hide that lack of ability.
Anyway, it sounds to me that your father imprinted some deep doubt in you where you don't know how to create a feeling of worthiness and you struggle to embrace your sexuality in that he kept imprinting in you how women were inferior. It sounds like what you WANT to find a way to rid yourself of feeling the most is feeling "inferior".
That's why you don't want a relationship with someone who has cats or pets or strong family ties. These attachments would interupt your desire to overcome your need to rid yourself from feeling inferior. Perhaps your father not only sent you messages of women being inferior, but he tended to put other things as a priorty to him instead of seeing you as important and worthy.
What was your mother like? Did you even have a female presence in your life that mentored you?
|
I am attracted to women. I have a physical response to ones who are attractive. Straight people don't have to prove their sexuality by sleeping with someone of the opposite sex...I haven't had the opportunity nor have I felt particularly safe pursuing same-sex relationships. I'm really not comfortable with sex with random strangers.
And I just want to be equal. To be a person. To be acknowledged and respected for who I am and not who I'm supposed to be or should be. It is a lot more difficult to see myself as an equal and as a human being with a cisgender male. Other men treat me like an object and accessory. He makes me be as effeminate as possible to earn his approval and attraction.
And yes, I have a mother. He treated her far worse. With him at least she had food and clean water. She also was someone considered very unattractive so it must have been a surprise that someone found her attractive (if she maintained a certain weight etc.). He forced her to quit her job when they had me, but she also failed to him more kids. She failed to have a real son...I mean they did, but he died.
They were/are very anti-LGBT and anti-sex in general. I would be shocked to find out that they ever had sex outside of trying to have children. And I was conceived less than a month after my brother died. I don't know who's idea that was but I wouldn't want to have sex right after my son died, and honestly, I don't want to know.
There wasn't really any affection that I remember either. I don't think I could be touched as I would have an allergic reaction to it as a kid (welts mostly). Touch was completely foreign to me until I was in a relationship. Then I was very uncomfortable with PDA and being touched and having someone in my space CONSTANTLY. I don't find hugs or touch to be comforting and don't know why it is everyone's go-to. Why not ask if it's okay first?
Another thing about a heterosexual pairing is the sexual disadvantage I have. I wish my sexual response was almost immediate and nearly guaranteed. I strongly resented the fact that in the first few months of my last relationship I couldn't even get myself off while he would get off multiple times. And after that, I had to get myself off. What's the point? I don't find much romantic or emotional connection in it, especially if my body doesn't have much response.