Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3
Thank you for sharing this.
I get a cathartic feeling just reading what you’ve posted. This is so devoid of any judgment or shame, and epitomizes a rupture that is managed in a mature and healing way. Even though hurtful mistakes were made on his end, he accepted that he hurt you and put your feelings first. I teared up when you described how he wanted you to look at him as you confronted him - it is such a beautiful and accepting gesture. The nonjudgmental way you word and describe this experience and your views on anger in general shows the impact that his approach had on you. I can’t help but reflect on my own experience and many of the other painful “therapy gone wrong” stories and think that a rupture repair like this would have made all the difference.
I wish all therapists could realize that this is where the real healing happens. I reflect back in horror on so many awful, confrontational sessions spent looking at my shoes to avoid my therapist’s dominating glares. Defensiveness, shaming, blaming, invalidating and going punitive with disagreements is a cancer that destroys both the therapy and the client.
Thank you again for confirming what my EMDR therapist observed with such a touching example.
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This might sound weirdly defensive, but that's not because of him or anything he did. That's how I've always been. I've always been able to see the other side, to see others' perspectives and good intentions even when I'm hurt, to a fault sometimes.
The impact he did have was in allowing me to be angry without reacting badly. Like you said in your original post, the idea of permission to be angry and having things still be okay. Reassurance that it was okay because it was not my responsibility to protect/manage his feelings, and reassurance that it was okay to be angry even though I understood that his intentions had been good. In some ways I have always felt like it is unfair, irrational, and unhelpful for me to feel anger in situations like that, and that it's something I need to make myself stop feeling.
There have been a few other times I've expressed anger, including over things that I know are completely irrational, like getting angry about him caring about me or wanting me to be kind to myself, and he encourages me to talk about it and makes it safe to do so... it's like anger isn't bad and he's non judgmental and not trying to tell me why I shouldn't feel angry (though obviously taking it out on someone else is not okay, and therapy is a unique situation in which very different rules/obligations apply)
It's not just that my anger won't result in him getting angry at me, it's also that he can handle it without getting hurt in a way that will make me feel guilty; he doesn't need me to protect him. That was not an experience I had with either of my parents.
I'm sorry you didn't get that closure. Have you written an anger letter or otherwise journaled about it?