Thank you for saying that and for the online hug.

There is no ebb and flow to this. My life is completely ruined. I was sexually messed with as a kid and I didn't really have a real sexual attraction to women for most of my life so I didn't really take career things seriously my whole life because I never thought I'd get married or want kids.

I was still doing OK but then some bad luck happened and I'm almost 35 now, completely broke, have a job that only pays 47K that it's going to be hard to save all that much from, and I have these sexual feelings that I never did before.

But I've already ruined my entire life. 35, a virgin, no career, no money. I live in constant shame, regret, and pain. And there's nothing I can do now. I can never catch up to over 10 years of earning power and career growth. I can't enjoy time with my family or friends because I just feel constant shame. And they think I"m doing fine so they don't know. And of course now that I actually think I may want a marriage and a kid, I have to cope with the fact that it's never going to happen.

And money will always be a struggle. I'm basically starting my work life at 35. Nothing feels good anymore. I can't enjoy playing sports anymore, movies, music, sunshine....nothing. Everything feels horrible all the time.

I want to die so badly. I'm not even bitter at the people who have it good. That's fine, great for them. I just want to be gone. I can't imagine another 30+ years of daily, agonizing, unrelenting shame and pain. I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide in case I do it wrong and life somehow gets even worse with me ending up paralyzed or something or if there is some kind of eternal punishment. But my god, this is pure hell every single day. There's nothing I can look forward to anymore.

My day is just filled with constant prayer that I somehow die.

- Joe