T's wife was outside gardening today. I have always rehearsed that moment in my head with me casually saying "hi" and her responding in kind, and me trotting away feeling rather pleased with how cool I felt about that.
So there she was tending the shrubs at the front of the house, she looked at me, I looked back at her, she looked back down at the shrubs, the moment for pleasantries clearly passed. But that's not how I rehearsed it in my head! So my brain said "do it! Like we rehearsed!" And I said "good morning". By this time I had already passed her, and had to look back to see her raise her head and sort of awkwardly half smile half grimace and make a sound that I guess was supposed to encapsulate all possible manner of polite hello without actually being a word, or involving any mouth movement. "Eee" it went. And I carried on walking, heart racing, vision blurry and shaking, leaving her behind me, I assume, also somewhat befuddled.
I always stop at my T's door, get out my phone, check the time and then knock. I stopped to get my phone out, heard her footsteps coming round the corner behind me, and I just burst in through his door.
But instead of telling him the true cause of my obvious anxiety, I told him I was anxious about something I had been invited to take part in, involving public speaking (it's true, I am anxious about it, but that's not why I was shaking as I picked up my glass of water).
After 10 minutes, I started laughing. T asked what? I tried to tell him what had happened with his wife, but I just couldn't get the words out. I told him I couldn't tell him. We discussed that for a bit. I kept trying but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. In the end I wrote on my phone "I know why I am shaking - I saw your wife maybe (?), well someone anyway, outside watering the flowers"
T handed my phone back to me. I said that was easier than saying it. T asked me about my anxiety (he said it must be his wife, she was moving some plants). I told him it raised old feelings about being intrusive (see - every rupture we've ever had). T said he didn't think I was intrusive. I said of course you don't, I know I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just doing what I do every week. These feelings don't care about logic.
T said it was "unfortunate timing on the part of my wife. I think she thought she would be finished by now. She knew I had a client coming at 11".
T asked me what it made me feel. I told him all the things it made me feel the things that were so strong and disproportionate that they must have their basis in the past TW SH
and also that I worry about how T will respond (since we've had ruptures about his wife in the past) and also worrying about whether she knows anything about me. I said I've been in this world long enough to know that Ts do talk about their clients. He said "you feel vulnerable". He didn't answer the implicit question about how much she knows about me.
We talked for a while and it felt okay. I said I felt less vulnerable and more relaxed "because I don't think you're going to say anything stupid and hurt me".
But then I related my feelings back to other ruptures. I mentioned one where I had emailed him on Father's Day and he had said in a later session "I felt like you were putting yourself alongside my kids". I guess it's one that sticks in my head as painful, and maybe never satisfactorily resolved.
T said "as I hear you relay that incident, I'm thinking that I was experiencing something and I made that about you, and projected it onto you. Does that make sense?". I was quiet for a minute (not sure why he was reopening the question of what was going through his head that day, with 20 minutes left in the session). "You were experiencing what?" I replied. He obviously was nervous about responding and kept stopping and starting. He again said he was experiencing "something" and elaborated on what he meant by projection (which I wasnt asking) rather than elaborating on what he meant by "something".
I said "you keep saying 'something'". He said "it feels like very, very thin ice." I said nothing. He continued "I experienced you as a child in that moment". This annoyed me, because that in no way explained his comment about me putting myself alongside HIS kids. I said "never mind, it doesn't matter". T said "it does matter". I said "I just don't see the point in digging down into this again, I just don't see the connection. I can see a child as a child but that doesn't mean I see them as alongside my children".
I said I don't do well with vague fuzziness. If he wants to explain something to me he needs to do so with precision and accuracy, not censoring himself so much obviously leaving the most important parts out for fear of hurting me that he ends up being vague, and what he says completely useless. T said "I hear you".
We were coming so close to the end of the session we seemed to simultaneously realise we ought to patch this up a bit.
I said "I know I ask a lot of you, and I don't let you get away with anything, I appreciate it's not easy". T said "but when you do, you give something to me too. One of the things that is special about this relationship to me is that you hold me to account." I said "Good. And I do it because I trust you to come up with the goods". T said "talking about these ruptures is uncomfortable, for both of us I think, but they hold an emotional charge in the relationship and that's why we need to keep coming back to them". I paid him, and we hugged and he squeezed me tight.
He asked whether I'm going to do the other thing I'm anxious about. I said, it's a bit like telling him about his wife, even though it's hard, I can't not challenge myself to do it. He smiled and we said see you next week.