I would love to write a letter and would want to physically send it, but haven’t been able to go there yet. It’s a lot to parse through.

Confrontation aside, I really do believe she cared a lot about me. We had years of meaningful sessions (almost a decade’s worth). I was hopelessly attached to her and thought I loved her. I never had a mother figure, so her face is who I see when I think of ‘mom’ - even now. Ultimately I never felt she accepted me for me, and the caring wasn’t enough to compromise on not being given space to just ‘be’. I couldn’t trust myself not to get angry, and couldn’t trust her reactions when I did. Everything was so escalated and so conditional and so painful. Revolving my life around trying to be pleasing was no way to live.

My gauge for being ready to write and then send a letter is when I don’t care if it comes back “return to sender”. I’m not there yet. I do get relief from writing here and reading about other people’s experiences. It restores some of the faith in people that I lost from therapy.