About 5 weeks ago, I had finally had enough of whatever was going on between me and T (which had been going on for weeks). I sent this email:

Since then we have been doing jigsaw puzzles. I see my T 3x a week, so that's 15 sessions of jigsaw puzzles. Actually, there was one session about 2 weeks ago that we talked through the session then back to jigsaw puzzles. Many sessions I would talk a little about my inner world towards the end of the session. This week, zip - nothing really. I have completely shut down communications from my inner world to her. I will go through moments where I love her, want her, and want to tell her all this stuff, then I battle inner thoughts of hating her, that she doesn't care... and so on. I know she cares, I know this is coming from other places... and I shut it down again. She said some stuff that hurt me and left me very confused. She's acknowledged that I got hurt and acknowledged that things said did not land the way they were meant. I don't know how to move past this place. I've completely split her into different personalities in my head, which is scary and confusing at times, frustrating at others, and embarrassing to be able to see what I'm doing and not be able to stop it or change it. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of her even though she's still here because when I am seeing her as one part the others don't exist, and the one I grieve only seems to be the one I made up completely in my head. It is also the one I most want her to be.

And there's these big fears/thoughts that she's glad that things have made this change/turn. All I can say is it doesn't feel like progress. It feels like how I used to be with everyone... that she's become just like everyone else, pushed so far out of my inner world that there is no relationship. I don't exist, not allowed to exist. There's no point in talking or sharing anything because there's no value in sharing it. Not to mention that the part of her that I see when we are together in person, is the "mean" part that just wants to hurt me. How in the world am I supposed to break through this wall ?? (rhetorical question)