Not really sure about documenting this as I think it would be pretty obvious who I am if the person working with me happened to read this (hello paranoia lol).

Anyway... I have been doing an online cbt course for a couple of months now and I have learnt a few good things from it although unfortunately it hasn’t helped ease my symptoms (in fact, they’ve got worse) perhaps due to thinking about everything...

With the online course, feedback from a therapist is limited to a few times to help throughout the course. I really like the therapist who has been helping me and felt supported etc.

Because I knew the online course was limited I also booked to see a counsellor face to face through the same organisation, I had a phone induction and meet with the counsellor soon (if I’m brave enough to actually go).

Because I was worried about the online course ending (I was never given a date because for some reason I didn’t get the induction phone call) I told the therapist I was worried I would make some progress then be back to square one after it ends. I guess I was also worried about dealing with things on my own as I feel like my emotions are quite hard to cope with and intense recently. They explained that they can offer other services etc and not to worry about that we could talk further when they call to review my progress.

Well on the day my next review was due I got an email to say that the therapist had left the final review which completely threw me as I had no idea and they hadn’t mentioned in their message about discussing things further that it would be the last one. I was due to receive a call as normal to discuss my progress but didn’t receive a call after waiting all day. I check the online messages and the therapist said they tried to call. I have no missed calls and other people called me that day so I can only assume they called the wrong number. He did give his contact number and say I could call for the last review but I struggle with phone calls and feel like I’m imposing so I doubt I will do that and I just feel quite crap at the way it is going to end.

I kind of feel a bit mad that they didn’t say it would be the final review so I couldn’t prepare for that. I had also been talking about sharing some diary entries with then and had I know I could have shared then earlier. It has taken a lot for me to feel like I wanted to share those even though I wasn’t 100% and now I’m not even sure I want to do the face to face appointments. After telling the therapist how worried I was about it ending and conveying my feelings of just being left on my own to deal with things I now feel like my fear has come true and that’s exactly what has happened.

I also feel like I’m now going to be a little standoffish with the counsellor when I see him face to face (this is a different person). I feel like every time I have tried to reach out for help (now and a few years ago) things just don’t happen and I feel let down.

I’m also worried that because things have gotten worse since starting the online course that this will only continue to be harder when doing the face to face appointments and it looks like they might be every 3/4 weeks and I don’t know if I can cope with such big gaps between appointments especially if we are digging up things from the past. I have been having some really bad thoughts about life too which they know about from initial contact and I just feel I don’t know how to deal with everything on my own. I feel a bit stuck with it all.

Sorry if it’s not really an in session post but I really needed to get it out as I’ve really struggled tonight being upset and having bad thoughts about how nothing is going to help.