I took my bf from the nursing home to the hospital to have a diagnostic procedure. At the hospital he started sounding very confused and then totally incoherent. So the doctor called off the procedure. He and his staff put my bf on a gurney and wheeled him into the emergency room. The neurologist in the ER thought he might be having a stroke. I figured it was a TIA. He's had this happen before. They decided to admit him, which I was glad of. He improved a lot, and I think he will be able to leave the hospital maybe tomorrow. I could then bring him back to the nursing home, but I don't think I will. He was starting to go downhill at the n. home. He was spending hours sitting in a wheelchair. He's got an early stage pressure sore. When I wasn't there, he was mostly just sitting in a wheelchair in front of a television that he couldn't control. At home I find programs that he likes and I talk to him about what he watches. His attendant also knows what channels to put on when.

Wheelchairs are awful to sit in all day. Nursing homes used to provide easy chairs and therapeutic recliners. Now it's either be in bed, or be in a wheelchair. Those are the main options. Also, he was becoming more confused.

He was trying not to complain. I realize now this was worse on him than I realized.

I did enjoy my downtime, my reduced workload and meeting my girlfriend for dinner. But he paid a price for that. TBH, I don't feel guilty . . . because I just had to step back for awhile. I was becoming unglued. I don't have to be his caregiver, if I'ld prefer not to be. I know I'm free to do what I want.

I've had my downtime, such as it was. I spent a lot if it lazing around doing next to nothing - sleeping late, watching videos on YouTube, thumbing through catalogs, reading stuff on the Internet. Can't say I used the time constructively to straighten out how disorganized I've become. But I did enjoy not meeting his needs around the clock.

Now I want to get him home and give him the better care that he's not getting in any facility. Truth is he has weakened. We are that much nearer to the day when I won't have to do anything for him because he will be gone. And I will miss him so much. Now I feel grief.

I better eat and go to bed. Soon he'll be home. That will make him glad. He'll be way more comfortable. I've had a break. Maybe we won't fuss at each other so much. Maybe he'll realize I can't keep up with everything perfectly. Maybe I'll get some discipline and not waste as much time as I do waste.

Things tend to get better for intervals. What's really too bad is how little we get for all the money spent on healthcare. Medicare and Medicaid and the VA are spending tons of money for what doesn't help much. That nursing home has gotten thousands just over the past week for providing a room similar to a cheap motel, crappy food, and scant attention from staff that can't keep up. That same amount of money could have bought a room in a nice hotel, good food and the services of someone who could have actually really helped me give good care. I understand that poor people can't get what rich people can get. But the government spends a fortune to buy crappy care for poor people.