I know I’ve already shared my thoughts on what happened to you and on your therapist’s role in this, so I won’t repeat.

I did want to add that self-compassion is an incredibly hard skill to learn, but will be key in healing this as well your past shames. You seem to be viewing yourself in the worst possible light and through the eyes of your therapist’s own fears and fear-based reactions. You meant NO HARM to anybody and are not monstrous. For what it’s worth I view the actions you describe as coming from a place of pain, longing, and curiosity. I feel heart broken and sad that the consequences of your pain-driven actions caused you more pain and the loss of someone very important to you. I hope that in time you can give yourself the same compassion that a total stranger does.

I also agree with everything Omers said.

I hope you can find someone to process this with you if you haven’t already.