Angie, I am sorry you are in so much pain. I can sense the ambivalence in your post... you don't want help, and yet you are silently screaming out for it .The sense I get is that you really wish want need someone to just care enough to stop you. But at the same time you need to reject all help... and there could be so many reasons for that - you don't feel worthy of receiving it, you don't feel worthy of asking for it, you are driven by so many different conflicts about wanting to hurt and or punish self/wanting to stop the pain/wanting someone to take it all away/ wanting needing someone to just care/wanting peace/needing to harm. It sounds like a truly terrifying place to be. I am sorry you are hurting so intensely.

How are you doing now? Has the swirling mass of emotion calmed down any since you posted? Have you managed to find any calm for yourself at all?