Dear T,
OK, I'm going to reframe this (see, more progress!) Maybe this isn't just about my ascribing something to you. Maybe it's about my ascribing things to *anyone*. Assuming that because someone talks the talk, they also walk the walk. Sort of like Facebook syndrome, where I see photos of a happy couple or family and assume that everything is wonderful with them all the time (forgetting that I also tend to post more positive photos and things, and everything certainly isn't wonderful with me or us all the time). Maybe, like ex-MC, you yell at your son sometimes. Maybe you aren't so accepting of certain things about him. Maybe you judge him. Maybe you lead him to feel shame. Do I want you to tell me those things? I don't know. Because I admit it was very difficult when ex-MC would talk about screaming at his kids, like yelling as his son till his son asked if he still loved him. That was confusing to me,but I think it also helped me see that he might be a certain person in session, to me, but that doesn't mean he's that way in the outside world.

I don't have quite the same illusions of you as a parent, I don't think. Perhaps because you don't come across as warm and fuzzy like ex-MC and because you've even said things like you're not a hugger in real life (part of why you don't do that with clients either). So I don't have this image of you holding your son when he cries, for example. Hm, or maybe it's partly that you have a son, not a daughter...

Uh, what was my point? I guess that reading that part of your email and thinking it's just about you and interpreting it as being slightly defensive isn't going to help me. Because I don't think that's how you meant it. I think you're genuinely trying to figure out why I jump from your talking about how parents should be to assuming that's how you are as a parent. You want to know how transference works for me, why it works in that particular way. Because I imagine that says a lot about my unmet needs and how I go about trying to meet them. It's interesting that I *don't* see you as some sort of ideal husband no matter what you've mentioned about your own marriage (only a bit), marriage counseling, how some things H says to me bother you, etc. While I felt that to some extent with ex-MC at one point. And the paternal transference isn't generally there toward you either, for that matter. It's just coming out right now, I think because we're delving into childhood stuff so much lately.

Hm...I wonder also...could it be that I've now fully let go of my attachment to ex-MC, of my paternal transference for him, so now it's like I need a new transference target? And you're sitting right there in front of me, talking about how a parent should be and how my parents weren't what I needed in many ways. And despite your only being 7 years older than me, and having a kid not far from my D's age, this part of me thinks of what it could have been like to have a father who is like I imagine you to be. I have quite a bit to think about before Monday, it seems. And there are many productive ways I can take this, rather than just making it about our relationship. Because I got stuck in that with ex-MC, and I don't want to do that here. And you certainly don't want me to do that either--because you know that's not going to help me in the long run. And that's what to happen here. I don't want to be tied to you forever. I do want you to help me out of the nest, to help me learn to swim in the deep end by myself (as much as another part of me wants to metaphorically cling to your leg for dear life, that's not going to help me). And I think you're the T who can help me do that.

Love,
LT