alex... as usual there is a lot of thought and value in what you say. i'm copying it over into a word doc... i don't know.. i may give it to him... but you have it, right on the nose, i want someone to BE with me and let me feel these things... wade out into it with me and let me go all the way into the deep, black water.. you know the places we dont ever want to go? Go with me... just let me be able to turn and look sometimes to see that you are there. That is what i want from him... not some "feel good" cbt ********.

i have been walking through life with a smile on my face... just today a student who has known me for all of art school looked at me and he knew the degree of school stress i am under and he said, "... and always a smile." He's not alone... lots of people say that... when people find out i have one vertebrae slipped out over another and that i live in constant pain... "...and you're always smiling!?!"

i know how to talk to myself with all this positive ********... how the hell does anyone think i got this far?! Right now i should be living in a very small town where the only source of employment died years ago, living on welfare, with a couple of kids, playing biingo on thursday nights and smoking myself into a pile of ash. i should be just shy of a high school diploma and without a hope in hell of making it out of that place.

no. i told myself i could do it and i did. i shattered my pelvis and when i didn't get any reply to calling out for my best friend... i told myself i could find her.. so i got up and i went looking for her - on a fractured pelvis!

im not trying to toot my own horn here... im just pointing out that i did all that pick-yourself-up crap, but it never ever did anything to heal the pain and the anguish that rips and tears at my insides.

that isn't directed at anyone... it's more of an agreement with what you said alex... and that is something i have struggled with all along.. anyone who has read my posts knows that i return to the question of school of thought. If this guy was psychodynamic i think it would be a match made in heaven. Right now the school of thought leads to a lot of pain and friction. We are a good match, not a heavenly one. Personalities match, humour, a lot of stuff... i dont want someone new..

and yeah alex.. the second thing... it's to push me, not his stuff.. i am pretty sure of that. He is very self aware and very ready to take on his "stuff".. i think that even if it impacted therapy he would see that pretty quick and fix it. i am dead certain that he thinks this is the right thing... but i am unclear as to what "the thing" even is..

tulips... the ativan thing happened but there was so many med issues involved... he and i talked about that and i don't think that had anything to do with his choices around this..i thinhk he was concerned for me, but i dont think he worried for my safety at my own hands so to speak.

which leads me to this.... what do i say to him?

my goal is this: i want him to allow me to call in extreme circumstances, not like it has been... that would be a cut back and would be a step towards more independence. i want to know that if we *jointly* decide a voicemail would be helpful, then he would give me that.

if i emphasize how bad things have been i worry it will make him force the issue more

if i emphasize the more positive elements of how i have coped, then i worry that will reinforce his decision

i am damned if i do and damned if i dont

i have no idea what to say, how to say it... everything i come up with terrifies me.. afraid i will solidify his position or make things even worse

if they worsen i may just get up and leave and never go back... can't be any harder than walking on a shattered pelvis right?