Thanks everyone

H thinks I should keep seeing the other pdoc as well. I like the idea of the lower doses but she didnt think the lower doses were enough. The truth is I never stayed on meds for more than 8wks and usually more like 2 or 3wks so that was probably more the reason the meds couldnt work at all. Plus I was drinking so that has a huge effect too. I will talk to her about all of this and see what she thinks.

Im going to AA and happy that I am sober and on my meds so I feel like I am on the right track. I also worked on myself while IP once the really deep depression and SI lifted. I did cbt and distress tolerance worksheets and talked to the nurses openly for once. Its nice feeling positive about things but still there is some fear that this disorder will screw up my thinking again and send me back downhill. Just gonna focus on being selfish in the right ways and reaching out instead of isolating when I need to.