i just got out a terrible psych hospital. I'm very sensitive right now. I feel awful i really do. racing thoughts... spirits... demons... gods and goddess... children... dead children.. it's scary. i don't want to go back to the hospital. i'm not suicidal but i don't know what to do. no relief for me. meds don't work... schizophrenia creeps in and ptsd follows. I'm trying hard to be ok but i'm not. I really need someone right now. I'm desperate. i need someone in real life that understands and no one does. they just know that i'm mentally ill and suffer from trauma that they know very little about or refuse to acknowledge. i'm seeking support but i can only get so much.

I can't see my therapist right away. I have to see the nurse of the day on monday and try to get an early appointment with my pdoc. I'm holding up so far. surrounding myself with love ones and making sure i'm not alone with myself too long. No one can help me it seems... i got to help myself but this is too much. I don't want to go back to the hospital... even as extreme as everything is. I'm miserable. I'm weak... i'm not getting the help that i need. my meds aren't strong enough... i'm not strong enough. I don't want to die but i don't want to live like this either. this isn't a suicide note but me stating that i'm having a hard time right now. I don't want to go back to the hospital. not for a 4th time in a month and a half. I feel helpless. I need someone to talk to... everyone's asleep. everyone can't be there for me 24/7... i don't think i can survive another terrible hospital visit. I can't i just can't. i need my family... i need my friends and the hospital takes that away from me.

i've been to several different hospitals. No one is listening to me and making assumptions on what is going on. i'm frank about it. I cried the whole time there. I want to go home i want to go home... i need my family and they take that from me. they take everything from you... your music, your privacy, who you can call, the internet, my lively hood.