Update... I managed to get "seduced" into a friendship again by one of those people I mentioned above. She actually worked hard at regaining my trust. Wasn't a good idea, it ended bad recently. My overall trust is pretty low atm, understandably. I accepted I can't get into these types of relationships. I'm focusing on building up my own life instead. Emotionally involved relationships are too taxing on my resources atm. Having left all of them, I am actually finally seeing more positive energy, it is slow progress but I can see the progress. I can see how the bad emotions no longer have a source feeding them. Just waiting for the leftover to clear up. What a relief... And it is so good to see that I apparently can finally focus on the world around me... way less of the bad emotions/internal obstacles getting the way. My emotional dysregulation is responding overall to having cut off all the bad sources, the dysregulation lightened, and I have less disorganised emotions, they are more easily accessible and manageable now. As a consequence, I am able to stay involved i.e. viscerally present in the outside world and thus have more energy to do things, though still very much at the start of this phase. But it seems good. That light at the end of the tunnel started becoming brighter.

It is still kind of hard to see and believe how all those sources of bad emotional and other internal reactions caused my deep psychological issues but they did, yeah. I finally am feeling like I can return to true normalcy and an integrated psyche again and as a consequence, a well-functioning and a fully lived, involved life.

Call this phase reentering normalcy/integration/the real world...

If I built up my life properly, I'll try at relationships in a different way. Not in the overly personal way, that's not for me. By that I mean, not trying to get too touchy-feely sinking in feelings where they serve no purpose. Instead, I want to do it a way where I do feel in control, know what boundaries to maintain, yet open to emotional connection but with more awareness of whether that connection is actually there. Do not stay around if it is not, that is really damaging to my psyche apparently. These experiences really taught me a lot about that.

I hope that made sense, if anyone reads this - if needed, I'm glad to explain more. Because I realise my word usage about feelings in relationships was probably quite idiosyncratic (thank my alexithymia for that).