I thought a lot about that while I was IP and there are three things I can see.

When I start to go up I dont use any prn meds to help me settle down again and so I keep going up. Then I decide I dont want to take them at all because I am so "happy" and feel I deserve it and that it wont end badly. That is obviously wrong but I just cant see it then.

When I start to get depressed I tell myself the meds arent working and that I dont care anyway.

The last thing I can think of is that I still have this belief that the meds are causing this even though every time I go off I end up doing so badly. I feel less like that is true now but its still there. So I go off thinking I will prove that I dont need them. Its just feels like I cant put the pills in my mouth anymore because I think they are hurting me.

I feel like I am more likely to be able to handle the first two issues now that I can see where it starts. Plus I dont really have any more chances with my H so I have more incentive to get help before things are out of control. I think its the last one I am most worried about because its like a wall goes up so fast with no warning. Or I just havent figured out what triggers that yet.

Tired of being so unstable I want to fix it now